What Are The Top 5 Deal Breakers That Would Make You Dump Your Boyfriend or Husband?
What 5 things would make you so mad, disgusted, or shocked enough to make you dump your boyfriend/husband and turn him into your ex boyfriend/ex husband? I figured I talk enough on my Blog, and it’s about time I heard from you, my readers…so, welcome to “The Great Relationship Debate.” This is something I am going to be doing on an on going basis so “hit me” with all your comments and questions, OK?
Make your list starting with the fifth worst thing, and end with the absolute worst thing your boyfriend or husband could do that would make you want to dump him…OK? Just submit your response as a comment below. Now, men do not feel left out, feel free to add any comments you have as well as any ideas for a future question for “The Great Relationship Debate” as I hope to do this on a regular basis. I also welcome all suggestions from anyone and everyone for future editions of this new addition to my Blog, OK?
Now to keep up with the on going responses to this editions question, bookmark it by clicking here.
To keep updated on all the new editions of “The Great Relationship Debate” click here and bookmark my Blog…it’s that easy!
Remember you can also submit your ideas for future questions, and I will pick some and post new questions as I get more ideas…sound good? I will also pick readers questions and respond to them with either an article or video response pretty cool, huh? I need to start making some videos (just need to figure out how first) so you people get to see I am a real live person…lol.
Who Am I and Why Should You Listen to Me?
My name is S. Williams, and I have been helping people since 2008 to overcome break up pain, and get their lives back. I even have an “About” section that I recommend you read. I know the name of my site is: How to Get Your Ex Back Fast, but I teach people how to get their lives back, not their ex’s.
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This list on ‘non-negotiables” is aside from occurances of abuse and crime. Under abuse I put derogatory language, physical, emotional and intellectual and anger management issues
5. Causes me to feel embarassed when out socially, I should never fear I will embarassed or ashamed of his behaviours.
4. Not purusing his own career – a man in my opinon should not be a
house-husband or part-time worker
3. Not wanting a family
2. Lack of touch and physical intimacy. I value touch highly
1. Infidelity
Proof of principle – I have left men for #2, 4, and 5, and fortunatley I have not had to deal with infidelity or the family issue.
Susan wrote:
Hi Susan,
Abuse and Infidelity I am expecting to be high on the list, but I am really interested in what everybody has to stay…this should be very interesting.
#4 is one I didn’t expect, is this because you feel like they are trying to live off of you and they are lazy?
What if you make the most money and he wants to stay at home and keep the kids out of daycare, would that still be a deal breaker?
Thanks for your input!
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
Personally I was annoyed at Susans #4. My oldest and most wonderful son age 26 met a woman 10 years older than him, they married and had a baby pretty fast. The baby, is my first grandson. My daughter in law is however, the breadwinner, owns her own business and works out of the home. The last time I visited, I was beaming from ear to ear, to see how my son totally dealt with the housework, shopping, making breakfast lunch and dinner for her, as well as taking care of all of the baby’s needs except when it was time for him to be breastfed. Instead of looking “down” on a person who decides to stay home, I see it as a quality that few possess, and if you put value on it, I bet you are looking at 6 figures. It sure beats having some illegal immigrant or nanny raising the child. We all know what they get paid. My son loves his wife and son, and I bet there are many women who would see what he does as unique and extraordinary. I am extremely proud of him as is his wife. He starts ITT school in the fall. Sincerely…..
#5. lack of confidence
#4. bad hygiene
#3. drug addict
#2. extreme sex drive
#1. cowardly lion
Question idea: Are you in a relationship because you need to be in a relationship to feel whole? How long in your adult life have you gone without one? Are rebound relationships healthy and conducive to your growth as an independent person? When is trying to satisfy ones sex/partner needs unhealthy?
Wendy wrote:
Hi Wendy,
I wouldn’t take it personally, I just think different people have a pre-programmed response to men that don’t work (lazy momma’s boys).
But anyone who has stayed home doing housework will surely agree it is a lot of work too.
Hey Wendy you didn’t give your list of your personal top 5 things…come on, we want to know, OK?
Thanks for your response!
Take Care,
S. Williams
Organic Trust wrote:
Hi OT,
What’s the story with #2…do you mean like physically abusive (S&M)?
All the rest make sense 1,5 are pretty much the same thing.
Thanks for your response and the great ideas for future TGRD questions!
Take Care,
S. Williams
My list is my NOW list as I’ve let alot of things fly but am regretting that as it resulted in me being hurt.
5. Verbal abuse aka, shots at my weight, pot shots about my family members, attacking me when I’ve done nothing wrong. I take this as sure sign of insecurity on that other person’s side.
4. Allows me to pay for most things even when knowing it’s a struggle for me.
3. Non-independent and not goal oriented
2. Controlling.
1. Infidelity
Now #4 was my mistake and I will never do it again. Lesson learned though.
selfesteemless wrote:
Hi SE,
We all have to learn from our mistakes, that is why I wanted to get everyone’s input so people who are putting up with some of these things will get a clue to where that is headed, right?
#5 is very true that is a sure sign of insecurity and it is just plain mean.
Thanks for your response!
Take Care,
S. Williams
1. need to lie or make excuses more than 2 times
2. mental illness or addictions (of any type)
3. over bearing relationship with family of origin
4. abuse: (verbal-red flag)
5. some one who does not get along with my family
would love to hear from the male bloggers:)
Yes, Wisegirl, I should have had #2 on my list. My ex was Bipolar and had Mild schizophrenia. I should have ran then when he was diagnosed, but when you love someone you’ll put up with some out there stuff. However, it was just too much. Mood swings alone had me in an emotional turmoil. Very good selections though wisegirl.
wisegirl wrote:
Hi Wisegirl,
#1 so it 2 strikes and your out…not 3? Interesting!
Also you did not mention infidelity, so if he cheated but didn’t lie about it you would forgive him?
I like that philosophy, to me lying is worst than cheating, but I would put the 2 strikes you’re out on that one too…cheaters can’t really be trusted, can they?
Thanks for your response!
Take Care,
S. Williams
Come on people I know you have questions and opinions…
Don’t keep them to yourselves, if you post a comment you can use a different email address if you’re afraid of someone recognizing you through your email.
HINT – Go open a new gmail, yahoo or hotmail email account and use that for your online posting…sound good?
I prefer Gmail myself for sooo many reasons, so I will give you a link to their free sign up page right here:
Get Gmail For Free
@ S. Williams:
hi Scott, I didn’t add the bit about cheating, because i believe that comes under the lying part, so it’s the same…cheaters lie!
wisegirl wrote:
You got that right WG!
Okay, if infidelity, deceit, and abuse are already give-ems, then here are mine.
5) Lack of sexual adventure. Maybe this is cold, but if we can’t have fun in the sack, then I can keep him as a dear friend, but not a lover.
4) Breaking promises. I don’t mean, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t get this to work out, honey.” I mean like when he says he will do something for me and then just never does it. So, he thought of doing something for me, but then decided I wasn’t worth the effort apparently.
3) Lack of compassion. Doesn’t want to be a shoulder to cry on when I need it.
2) Sexism. Especially expecting me to do more than my share of housework (or even worse, being ungrateful on occasions I pick up the slack when he didn’t get around to it), or being unhappy about my dedication to my career. If he’s the kind of guy who has to prove he’s “manly” or won’t do something because it’s “gay,” then…ew. I could probably toss in here the kind of man who never apologizes.
1) Doesn’t think I’m beautiful and sexy. Or him thinking so is conditional, and doesn’t apply when I’ve just woken up, or if I gain some weight, or once the crow’s feet pop up as they eventually will.
As for Susan’s #4, a man who would like to stay home and take care of the kids and doesn’t have too many masculinity issues to let me be the wage-earner would be a dream come true. Assuming he would actually do the work and not just sit the kids in front of the TV and feed them cereal, and would be able to step in and get a job if I lost mine or we fell on financial difficulty.
Wow…this sounds just like a description of my ex! I knew it was right of me to dump him…
anyway here’s my list:
5: going hot and cold for no reason
4: If the pr*ck bullied my mentally charged baby brother
3: Tells you you have no life besides him, and everything about him is good.(urg…)
2: infidelity
1: Abusive.
drowned bunny wrote:
Hi DB,
I have to agree with this one…someone who is very shy about their body in private would be a turn off to me too, we need to let our animal side out to play.
I guess #1 would have something to do with #5…I mean who could hold back when they were with someone they found sexy and beautiful…a monk?
Thanks for your response!
Take Care,
S. Williams
i don’t know if other women feel the same, but for me the qualities i seek in a man, may be different based on the relationship. For instance the 5 I previously listed, were when starting a new relationship… whereas if i were alredy in a long term relationship, i think the reasons would differ. for instance:
5. lying/cheating
4. lack or trust and respect( including respect for differences)
3. afraid to make the next step, e.x marriage
2. someone who is stuck and refuses to seek help if/when needed
1. does not want children
wisegirl wrote:
This is one I feel strongly about myself, why miss out on the circle of life and see it through a parents eyes?
I mean you’ve seen it through a child’s eyes and then an adults eyes, but what about a parents eyes…why miss out on that?
Of course all the women I try meet now have grown children already, and have no desire to have anymore (like I did my job I’m retired).
Call me crazy but I am almost 49 and wouldn’t mind having more kids, I think the older I get the better at being a good father I become.
Plus I have 12 years experience already…I know I’m nuts but I like being different.
#3 that is a killer too, lack of commitment makes you question their true intentions.
Once again thanks for your input WG!
Take Care,
S. Williams
P.S. Hey Everybody…Feel free to go past 5 and list out all your relationship killers, OK?
S. Williams wrote:
Hiya. That’s not really what I meant. I meant a man who doesn’t want to try anything more than missionary, with the lights off, under the covers every single time. If I ask him about his fantasies, he might mumble something about liking lingerie.
If my man is shy about his body, that’s far from a dealbreaker. I’m more than happy to reassure him and be patient, and I’ll tell him how sexy he is and how much his body turns me on until he believes it.
drowned bunny wrote:
I didn’t mean I wouldn’t try to to get the woman I was with to open up, but if it was a lost cause that would be the deal breaker for me.
drowned bunny wrote:
That would be the “animal side” I was referring to…basic sex gets basically boring and so does the relationship after a while and then you start looking else where to fulfill your needs, right?
I wouldn’t be able to stay committed to that type of person therefore I wouldn’t want a long term relationship with them either.
I have been with both and I never miss the “basic” person…but I still remember the animal.
If a person is not willing to experiment for the sake of learning how to better understand certain sides of their partner, where’s the excitement?
But then again with a name like “Drowned Bunny” I would love to hear your fantasies…(The movie “Fatal Attraction”) ring a bell?
Regarding number 4.
I wanted to elaborate or share about my previously hotly contested #4.
#4 is all about the man, and not about me at all. I believe that part of a man’s self esteem and self worth is inately tied to his ability to be a provider, a hunter, a leader. I think men need to feel all those things to have within himself a really good self value. I feel that although a man may excel at doing the work of the home as his full time job, eventually he will feel he is in competition with his wife. And men, in my belief do not want to compete with their wives, and should not compete with their wives. A man who is in competition with his wife will eventually grow to resent her, the situation or himself…all in my opinon lead to poor relationships.
Its the same reason I believe men need a room of their own in the home ( a study, office, library , workshop), and a place to pursue their own hobbies in the home.
And lastly, I need to respect the man, and I do not want to be in competition with him, I do not want to feel the pressure of being the sole income…I want to be his partner, and in my mind he is both my equal and my leader. I respect men, who feel similarily about themselves and understand their “male” needs for maintaining their own psyche in a healthy place, so that they can also be their for me and the family.
You cannot care for others, if you have not first cared for yourself.
So, to sum it up, #4 is for the man, not for me per sey, A man with that sort of insight will know that although it is necessary to take paternity leave and desireable to be with his family, it is also his need to be a home leader and at least equal status provider or better then his wife. He does not want to, and should not compete with me.
Susan
Susan wrote:
Hi Susan,
You do not have to defend your reasons because everyone has their own unique taste and view on how things in their relationship should be to work for them, but thanks for clarifying.
This is not a contest and there are no right and wrong answers, because what is right for one could be wrong for another….that’s what makes us all individuals, right?
You’re absolutely right, I wanted to express myself, that my “non-neogitables” aren’t just random thoughts. In fact alot of thought and careful thinking and reflection has been put into them. I think that sometimes it’s easy to assume that an “offending” comment is backards, ignorant, uncool or just old fashioned, when perhaps in fact it is well thought out, modern and highly introspective and sensitve.
That’s all. Since I have taken the time to really think about my non-negotiables, I am not offended by the response #4 generated. I wanted to let others know how it came about so that with more insight they may have greater appreciation for a different point of view.
Susan
What 5 things would make you so mad, disgusted, or shocked enough to make you dump your boyfriend/husband and turn him into your ex boyfriend/ex husband?
5. If he cant see any type of future for us
4. Unwilling to compromise on atleast some issues (control freak) and Doesn’t ever listen
3. constant lying or repeated cheating ( i can forgive once)
2. involvement with a prostitue
1. Anything involving a forced sexual act (be it against child, woman, or man) That is an absolute, no hesitation, deal breaker…i will not keep any kind of contact or relationship.
stormy wrote:
Hi Stormy,
What is your time frame for #5? A month…6 months before he says he can see a future with you?
#1 and 2 are pretty good too, prostitutes (depending where you go) usually have diseases…who wants that?
And rape…well that’s a sickness that needs to be treated for sure, it can almost be an addiction I think.
How can a person know these things about their partner, I mean unless they were caught and have a record I guess we just never know, huh?
Scary thoughts…but we can’t hide in our basements and live life too…right?
Thanks for your response!
Do you have any ideas for the next The Great Relationship Debate question?
Take Care,
S. Williams
What 5 things would make you so mad, disgusted, or shocked enough to make you dump your boyfriend/husband and turn him into your ex boyfriend/ex husband?
–Given that mental illness, all types of abuse and drugs/alchohol are already accounted for, here are my other 5:
1. lack of respect/trust/compassion/lying – if he repeatedly does things that make me question his sincerity towards me or his lack of integrity in general
2. one-way relationship – as a very giving type person I know I can be taken advantage of by an opportunist. If the relationship becomes mostly about him and his selfishness becomes evident, or when I raise my needs they are ignored. I need a two-way street to not feel resentful and to feel appreciated/loved
3. plays with my head/heart — implies future that leads me on and says things that implicate we’ll be together down the road, then when those special romantic evenings are there, he isn’t. Nor does he share things that matter to me but says he will.
4. Infidelity. enough said. no tolerance. once there is a commitment. Don’t think I’ve experienced as I make clear up front is a deal breaker and when it did happen early on once, I walked.
5. Financial wreck. whether gambler, debtor or spender, if he can’t take responsibility for his financial house and keep it together, or is always expecting me to come to the rescue on his bills, there is no place for him in my life. Been there, done that.
goldie wrote:
Hi Goldie,
I would have to agree with this one for sure, it would make you think he was after a Sugar Momma not a girlfriend.
Although it really kills me how on dating sites, some women list a certain level of income as requirement for the men they are willing to date…what’s up with that?
This guy could make all that make and spend it all too, right?
Are they looking for the love of their life, or an asset?
All the rest of your list are excellent too, what about your suggestion for the next question for TGRD?
Thanks for your response!
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
as you requested:
Answer to the income question – is somewhat of a marker that they have something going for them, as long as the $ is made legally (lol) – they have the ability to support themselves, maybe even a decent career. I’m a smart career woman and I want someone equivalent. How they use that ability is a secondary question in my mind. Yes they can make and spend it all and many do. My ex who definitely wanted a sugar momma was also after marriage – so he could secure that momma up for life and guarantee his way of living wouldn’t be disrupted. Too bad it didn’t last for him, and good for me I got out. He’s got a new sugar momma wife now btw and is still a financial black hole disaster. The first thing he ever said about her was how rich her dad was…enough said.
goldie wrote:
I understand…but does that make them the man of your dreams?
What if your perfect match didn’t have a great career, but had a job he loved and was proud of and fell below you’re requested income level…would you miss out on the opportunity to find true love because of a marker?
The bottom line is this, dating is about taking some risks and going on dates, and not about pre-screening people judged on income and career goals.
When you automatically dismiss someone before getting to really know them you are doing a disservice to yourself, aren’t you?
Thanks for your response…any ideas for the next question about the great relationship debate?
Income “markers” are interesting. I put that in the same bin as me having an education level to match my own. If I am honest about who is truly compatible with me, and will understand or meet my needs, than I would have to admit that I put heavy stance on education, and “smart” men as I define it for myself. But, since I don’t date men who don’t have the education I am looking for in a mate, its not a deal breaker. If I have choosen to date him, I have already vetted him against my private requirements/needs in a potential long term mate. Otherwise he’s just something fun, and I have to acknowledge that in myself.
If the forum is for debate, I would post up a question that generates debate and different viewpoints. For example..the debate about the man being the house-husband, or do children of single parent families have bias upraisings or deficiencies in how they will manage their emotions or self as adults (given probably one parent is lesser available then another). What about the role of the man in the modern family> The role of the woman, what are the sub-concious expectations desires vs societal pressure/values?
These topics should lead to debate.
hi there, my big no no’s apart from the given ones of abuse etc are
1. toxic relationship with his family, where past issues were never addressed. amazing manipulators.
2. alcohol abuse, it leads to so much more
3. Being a bachelor in a relationship, wanting your cake and to eat it
4. Lies lies and more lies-loss of integrity and trust goes down the drain
5. infidelity, a huge no no, if you want more go get it but have the decency to leave your partner first.
karen wrote:
I agree Karen, if you’re not happy, then break it off and go find someone who will make you happy.
Thanks for your response, any ideas for a new question?
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
to answer your questions?
Answer to the income question – is somewhat of a marker that they have something going for them, as long as the $ is made legally (lol) – they have the ability to support themselves, maybe even a decent career.
I understand…but does that make them the man of your dreams?
What if your perfect match didn’t have a great career, but had a job he loved and was proud of and fell below you’re requested income level…would you miss out on the opportunity to find true love because of a marker?
>>I’ve dated men who make millions and men who can’t make anything, but treated me better than anyone else in years. I feel the marker should exist but be used with care. Because in the end even true love has realities. If he can’t make a living, and that one couldn’t, what’s the chances of the relationship lasting? Someone’s got to pay the bills and I’m not in a field where I make a whole lot and yes I am the type who wants a partnership where we both contribute relatively equally. He wanted a family but couldn’t even support himself, still can’t and is in his mid-50s.
I also have issue with that because in my failed marriage I ended up in a similar situation with a liar and debtor, business owner who racked up over six figures of credit card debt. So for me, the guy needs to have a decent job/career, financial ethics and control and at this point retirement plans, as well as at a minimum, able manage his own financial affairs. Life is hard enough without adding more stress and financial woes can be very stressful <<
The bottom line is this, dating is about taking some risks and going on dates, and not about pre-screening people judged on income and career goals.
When you automatically dismiss someone before getting to really know them you are doing a disservice to yourself, aren’t you?
<>
My 5 no no’s……….
5. Disrespectful in any damaging way
4. Compulsive Lieing
3. Alcahol or drug abuse
2. Sexual Abuse
1. Cheating
@ Carolyn:
Hi Carolyn,
Thanks for sharing!
1) Physical and emotional abuse
2) No communication
3) No respect for your feelings, or no respect at all
4) Puts you has his last priorty, or not on his priorty list at all (ie only wants you when he wants you)
5)Tells you he wants to marry you ect.. then asks you for money.
5.Lying to me
4.Thinks were fighting
3.Changes his mind on wanting to marry me.
2.Not talking to me
1.Cheated on me more than 1 time.
@ Sandy:
@ Cassandra:
Hi Sandy & Cassandra,
I think you both have a problem with men who don’t take marriage seriously.
Sandy had one asked her for money, and Cassandra had one flip-flop on his marriage proposal.
Thanks for your comments!
S. Williams
@ Carolyn:
Hi Carolyn,
Sexual abuse, and cheating are definitely deal-breakers for me too.
Thanks for your comment!
S. Williams
@ Wendy:
this is for your way of stating the fact that maybe your grandchild would be raised by an illegal immigrant or nanny..First..its illegal to give a job to anyone that is ilegal in this country..but in a way..the way you said it seems like its a bad thing to do by these people..an ilegal immigrant or nanny…firts, its a job like any other..and these two people..ilegal or not..deserve a better way said..or mentioned..there are millions of children who have been raised by these people..and they do more than just babysit..most of them do more than babysitting…so please..dont mentioned them as if they do a diservice to people who work…if not for them…trust me..kids would be left alone to an empty room..a frozen tv dinner, and a television or a high tech gadget to keep them company until their high income parents come home to parent them? yeah right…why do you think there are so much problems with kids since the 1970′s??…because there are no parents at home to welcome them…they are both working…but the lucky ones had an illegal or a nanny waiting for them..a real person…that they can trust to take care of them like a parent should…
so next time…make sure you respect those people that maybe..just maybe..will one day take care of your grandkids…who knows right?
thekattlady wrote:
Hi Kat Lady,
I agree…that is why I choose to work from home, and take my son out of a broken public school system, and home school him.
I tried to work with the public school system, and they lied to me about a child’s behavior at school…until they learned I lived in the same building, and saw how he acted for myself.
He was tormenting my son, and others on the school bus everyday…and the system protected him, and left the innocent children to be victims.
It seems we live in a society that protects the criminals, and punishes the innocent.
As you mentioned, we all deserve respect, and should respect each other equally…and teach our children to do the same.
Thank you for your comment…
Take Care,
S. Williams
I would have to say cheating