The Real Truth About The No Contact Rule

It's Time To Learn The Truth About Using The No Contact Rule

 

This article is all about clearing up the mystery and confusion about the no contact rule.

I will explain exactly how it works and how to use it correctly to help you with your relationship problems.

We will explore how NC works, why it works, and what happens during your no contact time that will help heal you, and prepare you for a fresh start with your ex.

We will also debunk a lot of the misconceptions about using the no contact rule to get your ex back.

After reading this article you should have a very good understanding of what to expect when you properly initiate the no contact rule.

 


 

The Break Up

Why You Need to Properly Initiate The No Contact Rule ASAP!

 

Chances are very good that you’re reading this a little too late, but let’s discuss this anyways, OK?

Everyone’s first reaction after a break up is to get their ex back no matter what, this leads to begging, pleading, and even using “guilt” as a tool to get them back.

But what happens?

That’s right, they become even more distant, and this drives you nuts, which causes you to keep repeating the above cycle.

You continue until they either change phone numbers, email addresses, and whatever they can do to stop you from contacting them, or you give up and start to look for help.

The bottom line is…the sooner you stop chasing them (contacting them) the sooner the healing process can begin.

Now, next we will look at a great example of a no contact message to send to get the ball rolling, OK?

 


 

The No Contact Message

How to Write and Send The Proper No Contact Message

 

Now that you have come to your senses and want to make real progress in your attempt to win back your ex, it’s time to write and send your NC message.

A Good NC Message (if they broke up with you)

Hi, I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.

A Good NC Message (if you broke up with them)

Hi, I do not regret my decision to break up with you, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.

A Good NC Message (if they broke up with you, and you share child custody)

Hi, I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time, unless it concerns our children. I will be in touch when I am ready.

A Good NC Message (if they broke up with you, and you share a business)

Hi, I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time, unless it concerns our business. I will be in touch when I am ready.

*You can also substitute bills, accounts, etc. for the word business, or children.

 


*Note – Make sure you only respond to the messages that pertain to shared business, and keep it all about the business at hand.


 

Don’t let your ex steer you off course.

If they try, tell them you are not ready to talk about that, and please stay on the subject.

If they won’t…end your conversation.

NC is NOT about being mean, or hateful.

The no contact rule is about drawing personal boundaries, and defending them, you need time to heal, and you have to fight for your happiness.

 


 

Now!

If you’re not sure if you’re broken up or not (maybe just taking a break)…then use this form of that message to get yourself out of “Relationship Limbo”…OK?

Hi, We need to take a break, I really believe it is the best thing for both of us right now. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.

 


 

After you have chosen the appropriate no contact message, how should you send it?

My answer is, whatever way you know for sure, they will get it, and read it…or what’s the point, right?

But!

You do not want to call them and tell them over the phone…OK?

Why?

Because they might hang up on you, and if they don’t they will probably just tune you out…make sense?

Plus you want them to have a copy to read over and over (which they will, believe me).

Next we will cover…The purpose of the no contact message, OK?

 


 

The Purpose of The No Contact Message

What The No Contact Rule Does And Does Not Do

 

Once you send the NC message and your ex tries to contact you, you MUST NOT reply to them, OK?

But!

There will be instances when you need to interact with them, such as:

1. You share children and must discuss matters pertaining to them.

2. You share a business, or work in the same place.

3. You have shared financial matters, a.k.a bills.

In these circumstances you just need to be polite, and do not get lured into a discussion about your/their personal life, the NC message, or the break up.

Just keep it to the point, and all about business…that’s it.

For more information about this topic please read the following article: Learn How to Get Your Ex Back Using The Infamous Missing Link

 


 

What about Social Websites and Mutual Friends?

 

No contact for the most part is to keep your ex from knowing what is going on with you personally, and they will become more and more curious.

It is highly recommended that you close all social accounts like FaceBook, and whatever other sites you waste your time on, and stay away from his mutual friends.

If you must talk to mutual friends, tell them nothing about your personal life.

This will help further down the line when you’re ready to set up a meeting to reconnect in a new relationship with your ex…understand?

Staying away from mutual friends and social websites will also protect you from false rumors sent by your ex to rattle your cage, and make you second guess using NC.

They want you to break no contact so they feel like they are back in control of the situation.

If you can not do these things, you’re NOT SERIOUS enough about using the no contact rule correctly, and your results will reflect your efforts.

In the end, you only get out what you are willing to put in…you reap what you sow.

 


 

Now to address some common questions about using no contact:

 

1. I haven’t spoke to my ex since our last argument. Will I look foolish sending the recommended no contact message, if my ex hasn’t contacted me, in a while?

No, if you do not send the recommended no contact message, you will not be using NC correctly.

This message is meant to flip both your “switches”, and, start your personal evolution together.

Sending the recommended no contact message (without changes) as outlined in the free breakup survival plan is VERY important, do it ASAP, and, don’t look back.

You will be very glad you did, just like the people here in the break up success stories section of my Blog.

 

2. Won’t it look like I am ignoring my ex therefore making them angry with me?

NO, you sent a NC message asking them to not contact you.

So, if they ignore your request, and, contact you about things other than the ones explained above, you have every right to not reply.

Usually, what they are trying to do is get you to break NC, so, they don’t have to worry about what you’re doing.

You think this is a good thing, but it’s not…why?

Because as long as they know what you’re up to, they will never want you back in a relationship.

You have to be completely gone, before they will start to miss you, and, rethink having you in their life.

Why settle, when they can have their cake, and, eat it too, right?

They get to play the field, while you heel like a nice little puppy.

For more information about this topic please read the following article:

Learn Why Your Ex Will Not Leave You – 2 No Contact Rule Myths Shredded

 

3. Won’t I just drive them into the arms of their new boyfriend or girlfriend?

They are already there, right?

If not, the no contact strategy will not make them do it, and, if they do date someone chances are it’s to make you jealous.

So, when it doesn’t work, where does that leave them?

Now for a quick overview of what using NC will do:

When send that NC message you’re telling your ex you agree with the break up and are no longer “chasing” them.

You’re in a sense turning the tables and flipping a switch in their heads.

They’re used to you pleading and begging and now you suddenly stop…why?

What are these big decisions you have to make…is it about them?

Is this decision about whether to give up on ever coming back to me?

What if I went too far?

The emotionless “clean” message you sent them will have them guessing and putting you on their mind…that’s where you want to be.

 

4. Will the no contact rule work on a narcissist?

Hell ya, it will work.

It will work on anyone who has the ability to feel love, even, if it’s mostly for themselves.

If narcissist’s didn’t need anyone, but, themselves, they wouldn’t ever get into a relationship.

Make sense?

Plus, narcissist’s think so highly of themselves, that they “expect” people to chase after them.

The no contact message pretty much tells them, you are NOT going to chase them, and, you don’t want them to chase you, either.

Don’t try to read too much into this whole process.

The no contact message will put a dent in anyone’s ass, even a narcissist.

Test my theory, send the recommended NC message to your narcissist ex, and, see what happens.

Next, we will discuss what the no contact rule is really all about.

 


 

What The No Contact Rule Is Really About

30 Days and The Healing Process

 

When you initiate the no contact rule you’re in fact putting an end to your old “failed” relationship with your ex.

You know the one that’s been dying for some time…get together…break up…get back together…breakup again…etc.

This break up is actually the best thing that could’ve happened, it was time to move on…move on from that bad relationship.

Break ups do not mean the end of you and your ex ever being together, this is the most important thing you need to realize during your NC time.

You need to put all this behind you and heal yourself emotionally, and prepare to come back and reconnect with your ex…

When you’re ready, do not rush through no contact…

YOU WILL FAIL!

 


 

So What Do You Do While Your In No Contact?

 

Well here’s what you don’t do…sit there counting off 30 days and expecting your ex to come back like magic.

Find any reason (no matter how lame) to break NC and contact your ex out of fear they won’t remember you after 30 plus days of NC.

There is much work to be done during NC and the faster you stop working against the break up and start working with the right tools, the faster you”ll be ready for reconnection, make sense?

During your time alone you will make a list of the pros and the cons of your relationship to figure out if you even want your ex back.

Once you calm down and start thinking you might realize it was a bad match after all, or you will see that it was a great match but there were some issues.

List these issues as something to work on when you get back together with your ex later on.

You also need to examine your past relationship to see where it started to fall apart, ever clue you uncover will give you a better chance at getting your ex and keeping your ex, OK?

The bottom line is NC is not a 30 day thing, it is taking as much time as necessary to calm down, and evaluate your emotional state, work on the past problems, and plan for the future…with or without your ex.

 


 

How Will You Know When You’re Ready To Reconnect With Your Ex?

 

When you call and ask them out to a short meeting (coffee) and they say “no” and you can calmly accept that without panicking.

This is just your first try, there will be more chances to do this again, later on, right?

The fastest way out of relationship limbo, and the “Just Friends Zone”, is to properly use the no contact rule, and stick to it.

 


 

Who Am I and Why Should You Listen to Me?

 

My name is S. Williams, and I have been helping people since 2008 to overcome break up pain, and get their lives back.

I even have an “About” section that I recommend you read.

I realize the address of my site is: How to Get Your Ex Back Fast, but, I “really” teach people how to get their lives back, not just their ex’s.

If you’re interested in working with me (and our forum members) to get your life back, join my free newsletter for access to the Free Breakup Survival Plan, and start getting your life back today.

The answers you need to start your personal evolution are waiting for you, don’t hesitate another minute…come and get them.

Once you get your life back, everything else will just start to fall into place…I promise.

If you have any comments or questions please write them in the comment box below.

If this article was useful or helpful to you in any way, please show your appreciation by sharing it with your friends, just use the buttons below this article.

Until next time,

S. Williams

Copyright © 2008 and beyond – All Rights Reserved Worldwide – You DO NOT have permission to reuse this content in any way, shape, or form.

764 Comments

Add a Comment
  1. Steph wrote:

    I do not think the NC would make any sense in my case.

    Hi Steph,

    I guess you’re just afraid to send the recommended no contact message.

    You have not properly initiated NC until you send it.

    You can kid yourself all you want…but it doesn’t change the truth.

    I help people survive a break up and get their lives back, not get their ex back, and I explain why in the “About” section on my Blog.

    If you want to succeed, follow the free plan to get your ex back…step by step.

    If you want to continue to over think a proven plan…good luck.

    I am not here to debate something I know works with testimonials to back it too.

    You go ahead and keep doing what you feel comfortable doing…OK?

    But do not join our forum if you are not going to follow the plan, understand?

    If you had any idea how this whole plan (how to get your ex back) worked you would not have even asked these questions…keep reading my Blog until you get it.

    Take Care,

    S.W.

  2. Hi SW
    I have a quick question.
    I was already aware of how no cotact works so when my boyfriend of six months said he was under stress (which he actually) ans did not feel he could provide me with a good relationship for now. But wants to be together when “things settle down” I knew not to fight it. I told him I wanted him to be happy and take space if he needed. But I did not promise to be waiting for him or anything. I felt pretty secure about his feelings for me. I really believe he cares for me and did not want it to come to this.
    Anyway, that was 3 1/2 weeks ago and I have not contacted him. I told him to call when “things settle down” and I would we “see what happens”. I told him did not know how I was going to feel so I would say if we could be together or not. But I tolsd him respected his space and decision.
    My question is: It it necesaary for me to send the NC message? I don’t see why it would be. I stated my case and confidently told him to “take care of his bsuiness”. Our relationship was very good..no fighting or anything. Very respectful. No pressure from me or overbearing behaviors. Do I really need to create a shift here? I think my confidenance in letting him go and not making promises is enough of a message. And I thin so is the fact that I have respected his decision and been concentrating on myself ever since. I do not think the NC would make any sense in my case.

  3. shadypm wrote:

    no contact message sent!

    Great Job Shady! (Thumbs High) 🙂

    And your personal evolution begins.

    Now follow all the rest of the steps in the free plan to get your ex back, they are very important to your success in surviving a break up.

    Stay Strong!

  4. no contact message sent!

  5. Orangepekoo wrote:

    Now , we broke up, do i need to send another NC message to him using this form like this ?
    Hi,

    I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.

    Exactly!

    Send that message just as it is, and then follow the rest of the steps in the free plan.

    The NC message is just the beginning of your personal evolution, and the first step to surviving a break up.

    Stay Strong!

    S.W.

  6. @ S. Williams:
    Thank you for the encouragement.
    Things has been changed now.
    One of my fds talked to him last nite and he said he would like to breakup but afraid to say it in front of me coz I was crying. He said he is not ready to settle down for me and not sure what he wants. He feels guilty to leave me like this but he wants to be alone.

    Now , we broke up, do i need to send another NC message to him using this form like this ?
    Hi,

    I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.

  7. silvercat wrote:

    Hi, thanks for this. I am just a bit unsure about the last part because he made no sign of wanting to stay in touch and I believe he will take it as chasing.

    Hi SC,

    There is only two ways to follow the free plan to get your ex back.

    The right way, or your way…your choice.

    My question is: do you want to be successful, or not?

    Take Care,

    S.W.

  8. pmoo wrote:

    please justify these few points i made and then i will feel more confident sending the n/c message

    Hi,

    I am not here to convince you to use the free plan to get your ex back, you came to me, remember?

    It’s not enough I maintain this Blog, and plan for free…now I have to beg you to help yourself?

    Go read the break up success stories section on my Blog.

    A lot of people have been successful following the free plan to get your ex boyfriend back…I haven’t heard any feedback from people who haven’t been successful surviving a break up using this strategy.

    The choice is yours…do it right, or do it your way.

    Take Care,

    S.W.

    1. Hi S.W

      i understand where you are coming from but my ex is very stubborn even though he has initiated lets just be friends thing.He is with someone at the moment we live literally a few minutes away from eachother.He owes me money but i know he doesnt have the money now to give me so cant ask for it back.Plus he is a very principle man if i tell him him not to cantact me and i will contact him when am ready i dont think he will contact me and is that not going to push hime further to this new girl or they will get even more closer?

      i know i shouldnt be over thinking this but just want to be sure i have not contacted him for a few days now but is the NC message still nessaccary is not trying to let him know that you are still waiting for him but just need a bit of time so why will he miss you if he knows that you are still waiting for him?

      Just want to understand this poperly am very confused as in why i need to sent him that msg.

      Regards
      Annette

      1. Hi,

        I help people survive a break up and get their lives back, not get their ex back, and I explain why in the “About” section on my Blog.

        Your ex is stubborn…who cares?

        This is not about him, this is about you taking back control, and getting your life back.

        You’re not confused, you are frightened, and this fear will keep you trapped in relationship limbo.

        I can show you a way out, but you have to have the courage to follow the plan.

        Nothing I can say or do can give you courage, only you can give that to yourself.

        It’s your life/happiness, if you won’t fight for it, who will?

        Everything you need to know about how NC works is on my Blog, and in the free plan to get your ex back…go read it.

        Take Care,

        S.W.

  9. Hi, thanks for this. I am just a bit unsure about the last part because he made no sign of wanting to stay in touch and I believe he will take it as chasing. Is it possible just to agree, say it was for the best, that things are coming together for me and wish him the best? It is difficult to decide what to do as everyone else is telling me to move on and leave him alone as any contact will only feed his ego. @ S. Williams:

  10. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.———

    there is no way in hell he ever wud contact me anyway plus me tellin him i will ne in touch might ‘scare’ him off-he gets scared easily… please justify these few points i made and then i will feel more confident sending the n/c message…

  11. It must feel even more stupid to still be hung up on someone, right?

    You have a choice, feel stupid loving someone who doesn’t love you back, or feel stupid taking back your power, and your life.

    Your choice…this isn’t rocket science.

    Take Care,

    S.W.

    ok well my last question is: can i do this without sending the NC message. if u see where i am coming from-i have had 5 weeks of bliss n/c and to send this message is like contacting him hence breaking n/c… or is that the idea?

  12. pmoo wrote:

    hey SW is that really ur photo-what u look like>

    Yeah it’s a few years old but that’s me and my son, and our ex dog.

    pmoo wrote:

    i in the same boat-i aint spoke to mine for 5 weeks solid. i feel stupid just telling him o yea…its cool i respect ur decision.

    It must feel even more stupid to still be hung up on someone, right?

    You have a choice, feel stupid loving someone who doesn’t love you back, or feel stupid taking back your power, and your life.

    Your choice…this isn’t rocket science.

    Take Care,

    S.W.

  13. silvercat wrote:

    Thanks SW,

    just to clarify – he didn’t even do the “let’s be friends” thing and hasn’t been in contact. Won’t he interpret it as chasing if I suddenly write him telling him not to contact me and that I will contact him in the future? Just wondering how to tweak the last part of the NC message….
    @ S. Williams:

    i in the same boat-i aint spoke to mine for 5 weeks solid. i feel stupid just telling him o yea…its cool i respect ur decision. are you goin to send it and after how long have you not spoken to him….

    1. hey,

      i am in the exact situation too. i have gone NC for 1 month now without initiating a proper NC message. My ex did not bother to contact me at all during this time too. Just thinking if it would be weird that I suddenly initiate an NC message because it seems like I am the one who still cares. Did you eventually sent out the NC message though? And if you did, what happened after that ?

      1. Hi,

        The NC message is very necessary and will give you the fastest results when using the no contact rule.

        I am all about helping people help themselves as quickly as possible, time is too valuable to waste, so don’t waste a minute.

        If you read the free plan and decide to follow ALL the steps you can join our support forum, and get support from people using the same plan.

        NC is nearly impossible to stick to alone.

        Thank you for writing.

        Take Care,

        S.W.

      2. hi florence, i just sent no contact letter to my ex.he replied straight away.accusing me of trying some other guy out.its untrue.so i hit him with another no contact letter.to which he replied,”theres no need to contact me bye” hmm. i dont know whats worse when they respect your no contact letter.or send a last reply just to try hurt us.take care

  14. hey SW is that really ur photo-what u look like>

  15. Thanks SW,

    just to clarify – he didn’t even do the “let’s be friends” thing and hasn’t been in contact. Won’t he interpret it as chasing if I suddenly write him telling him not to contact me and that I will contact him in the future? Just wondering how to tweak the last part of the NC message….
    @ S. Williams:

  16. silvercat wrote:

    just to clarify – he didn’t even do the “let’s be friends” thing and hasn’t been in contact. Won’t he interpret it as chasing if I suddenly write him telling him not to contact me and that I will contact him in the future? Just wondering how to tweak the last part of the NC message…

    Hi SC,

    You don’t need to “tweak” anything…just send it.

    It not supposed to make sense, it is supposed to cause a shift…once again don’t over think a simple plan.

    Besides what have you got to lose?

    The people who have THE MOST problems with their personal evolution are the one’s who “over think” the free plan to get your ex back…just follow it, OK?

    Watch what happens next.

    Stay Strong!

    S.W.

  17. rinkdinkydoo wrote:

    Do i still send him the NC message? or do i continue to not talk to him.

    Hi RDD,

    I help people get over a broken heart and get their lives back, not get their ex back, and I explain why in the “About” section on my Blog.

    Go read the free plan to get your ex back, and send the recommended NC message…no changes.

    Then follow every step after that, OK?

    Of course you remain in NC which means no contact (talking).

    Once you read the whole plan, and use the free support tools you will understand how it works.

    Take Care,

    S.W.

    1. dear scott,im into day 32 of no contact,yes i sent your recommended no contact letter by text hi i agree with your decision to break up etc i didnt tweak it..i know he got it cause he replyed straight away.saying no need to contact him.ive stuck firm and not broken no contact,and avoided all the places we used to go to.we dated for over 2yrs.then i ended up in friend wiv benefit zone.im not ready to reconnect yet,but was just wondering why he hasnt bothered to contact me at all.i mean if i meant anything to him,surely he would have at least asked how i was doing. i keep checking into your site for reasurance and think its great that your dedicated to helping out total strangers like me get our lives back.kind regards dawn.

      1. Hi Dawn,

        Don’t worry about why he doesn’t try to contact you – after all, you did ask him for no contact in your NC message.

        Your personal evolution will be much smoother if he continues to honor your NC request.

        Keep up the good work, and…

        Stay Strong and Positive!

        S.W.

  18. pmoo wrote:

    Since then it has been 5 weeks and I have had zero contact with him. I never sent a N/C message, I just left him to it. I just don’t see where I am supposed to go from here…

    Hi Pmoo,

    I help people get over a broken heart and get their lives back, not get their ex back, and I explain why in the “About” section on my Blog.

    Do you know why you feel lost?

    You don’t have a plan.

    I have a plan for you and it’s free.

    Don’t over think your situation…just follow every step in the free plan to get your ex back, and take control of your life.

    Take Care,

    S.W.

  19. silvercat wrote:

    It has been more than three weeks and he has not made any contact. I did not send any kind of no contact letter and I don’t know if I should make the step of agreeing so I feel that I have regained some control over the situation. Although after three weeks it may be better to just continue no contact without a no contact letter…

    Any advice?

    Hi silvercat,

    My advice is to stop over thinking a simple plan, OK?

    Go follow the free plan to get your ex back, and send the recommended NC message.

    I help people survive a break up and get their lives back, not get their ex back, and I explain why in the “About” section on my Blog.

    This is for your benefit…no one else’s.

    Take Care,

    S.W.

  20. pmoo wrote:

    He still has a few bits of mine and I we arranged that night for me to go get it the next day. But I felt that I would plead again so didn’t go. I just said I will contact you when I free. Since then it has been 5 weeks and I have had zero contact with him. I never sent a N/C message, I just left him to it. I just don’t

    I know it’s hard. I just went through a nasty breakup with the guy I called not only my soulmate, but my best friend. My “best friend” whom I caught scouting for “extra activities” via craigslist. In my own “temporary insanity” period, I forgave him, (KNOWING he was lying, mind you!) and somehow I ended up begging HIM to stay with ME and promising I’D change (this guy was good at the game)!!! Anyway, my point to your comment is, we too had things that needed to be exchanged. I still had clothes he’d left here and he still had my key. I tried and tried to set up a time we could meet to make the exchange and he was just always WAY too busy. We broke it off in early September. Last week, I got tired of waiting and being his personal storage unit so I boxed up his shit, took a little road trip, and dropped it (literally, tee hee) on his doorstep. It was loud enough to make a noise 🙂 Fortunately someone else came to the door so I didn’t really have to deal with him at all. It was literally past the point of rudeness keeping his crap here for as long as he did but it was always a power struggle with him and I was always the one to bow down. But this time, I TOOK CONTROL, for once. And it felt incredibly liberating. I already changed the locks a long time ago 😉

    Ya know, this “great guy” who I thought was just so wonderful…come to think of it, he really didn’t treat me so great at all. I had friends and family tell me I always seemed unhappy with him. When I thought about it, they were right. I still haven’t quite figured out why he had gotten such a hold on me so quickly but I am strong now. I have had time to self reflect and realize that HE was the one manipulating ME. I am now back to being myself again and I’m happier than before I met him. You’ll be ok, I promise. Just give it some time 🙂

  21. Hi there,

    My ex broke up with me last October and I wasn’t part of your forum yet. I didn’t send him the NC message but right after the break up we were still talking but i initiated it. a week after i just dropped everything. deleted him off facebook and even on IM. Do i still send him the NC message? or do i continue to not talk to him.

    rinky.

  22. Hi there,

    My bf broke up with me 7th november. He said he doesn’t feel anything for me anymore. I rang him a week later and couldn’t help but plead with him. To this he replied ‘we have been through this’. I left it and said OK. He still has a few bits of mine and I we arranged that night for me to go get it the next day. But I felt that I would plead again so didn’t go. I just said I will contact you when I free. Since then it has been 5 weeks and I have had zero contact with him. I never sent a N/C message, I just left him to it. I just don’t see where I am supposed to go from here…

  23. Hi,
    I have a question about when to use the agreeing with the breakup.

    LD relationship with a man I knew as a friend before. Live 3hr drive from each other. Knew him through my ex, always got on well, was in contact with me during my divorce. He had broken up with his girlfriend and was very slow to make a move. Stated from the beginning that he wants a serious relationship. He made it clear that he has a lot of stuff going on at work but everything was fine at the beginning though we communicated by text and phone. We met up and it was fantastic. He slowly started going quieter, came over to see me again – drove 10hrs because his work schedule meant he had to be somewhere else and he wanted to keep his promise. Erratic communication so I stated my thoughts in an email without recriminations. He replied that he’s in survival mode because of work but wants us to work. Communication got a little better but not as before.

    Met up after almost 3 months. He wanted to play golf, I agreed. Found out that a friend of his who lives quite close will be joining us as he hasn’t seen him in ages. Wasn’t happy but I got over it, didn’t want to spoil the evening. He mentioned going away together in Jan but that he hates Xmas and will prob go off alone. Then mentioned that I should learn his native language in order to communicate with his mother.

    Next day was good, even got thanked for being so patient. Went out for dinner. Talked about his work, past relationships (all cheated on him), asked if he thinks it’s a good idea to keep seeing each other. He said he believes it will work (although he shied away from any commitment asking if it would be a waste for me if it didn’t work out). I said I want to get to know him better. Went back to the hotel, he wanted a backrub and fell asleep. I got grumpy, moaned about it all being about him. He got angry that he had just fallen asleep. I said “just give me a hug” and something snapped in him. Got dressed, went out. Followed him. Very angry, I asked if he had just viewed the whole thing as a fling. He got even angrier. Paid, packed and said it’s over.

    I asked why: He’s completely stressed, can’t cope, at his wits end with work. He said I want reassurance and commitment (I retaliated that I don’t want to marry him tomorrow and that he was the one painting pictures of a relationship). His first free time for 5 weeks and he spent it with me, that it should be enough. That he’s not good with words, told me he’s serious and it should be enough. That my reaction to the trip was lukewarm (explained that I was a bit upset about him wanting to get away for Xmas) He said it will never work, nothing to do with his emotions as he cares but purely a rational decision. I tried to explain that my divorce, men around me who only want one thing and the fact that his ex still hasn’t moved out made me uneasy. He didn’t want to hear it. Got childish asking if I expect him to quit his job, live under a bridge etc. Tried to say it’s teething problems, he disagreed and said it won’t work so I said that I won’t beg or persuade him – he said goodbye and left.

    After that I sent a text asking if he got back safe and he simply replied that he did, he got a thank you in return. The more I look at the situation, the more I believe that the girlfriend is not really an ex. Maybe he gets a strange kick out of having someone else hanging on? It has been more than three weeks and he has not made any contact. I did not send any kind of no contact letter and I don’t know if I should make the step of agreeing so I feel that I have regained some control over the situation. Although after three weeks it may be better to just continue no contact without a no contact letter…

    Any advice?

  24. Orangepekoo wrote:

    Is it ok or Do i need to re-send to use the form as above ?

    Hi OP,

    You’re draft was very close to the original and should be fine, and it seemed to “flip” his switch because he replied after you said don’t contact me, right?

    Plus he is sorry…not you…you have taken back the power.

    If he continues to contact you hit him with another NC message, and the one from the above post this time.

    Great Job OP! (Thumbs High) 🙂

    S.W.

  25. Hi,
    My bf told me that he needs space and to be alone for a while. I stopped begging , pleading and chasing him and initiated NC msg last week (12/9/2009) Since I am not sure if we broken up or not , I used the form like this :
    Hi,

    I agree your decision to take a break, I really believe it is the best thing for both of us right now. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.

    Is it ok or Do i need to re-send to use the form as above ?

    He replied me ” I see. I am very sorry for both of us have to go through. It’s hard. But I just have something I would like to think them over too.”

    I didn’t reply and start my personal evolution.

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