How to Survive a Break Up Using The No Contact Rule – 5 Empowering Tips
How to survive a break up is easy when you use the right tools. The no contact rule is the best tool. And I will show you how to use it to get over a break up. Keep on reading and you will pick up some good tips.
How to Get Your Ex Back – Tip 1
Using the no contact rule is the best way to deal with a break up. You just stop communicating with your ex. Be polite because this leaves the door open for another chance. Just politely ignore all their attempts to contact you. Do not worry and second guess this method…it works. Using the no contact rule is how to survive a break up.
How to Win Your Ex Back – Tip 2
Don’t be afraid of the no contact rule. It might seem hard at first but it will get easier, just stick to it. Those first few days you will start to worry that they’ll replace you. Getting over a break up requires discipline and faith in yourself.
Get My Ex Back – Tip 3
You’re probably starting get a lot of advice by now. Don’t listen to it. It is what they think you need to hear. Instead learn how to survive a break up by getting a good plan. The no contact rule works great, but you need a plan for using it. Learn how to get over a break up using the no contact rule.
Winning My Ex Back – Tip 4
Rumors are your worst enemy, and people like to spread them, don’t listen. If your ex starts dating don’t worry it’s just a rebound relationship. Stay focused on the no contact rule, and you will survive this break up. You can’t just “patch things up.” This is where most people fail, stick to the plan, and survive this break up.
Getting Your Ex Back – Tip 5
If you can stick with the no contact rule you’ll become a stronger more confident person. Confidence is sexy, and sexy attracts. If you break no contact, you will look weak, needy, and that repels. Don’t worry, if you break no contact learn from your mistake and start over, and you’ll survive this break up.
Your Best Chance To Survive A Break Up
If you are emotionally unbalanced you need someone or something to keep you in balance…Right? I mean, do you really think by randomly searching the internet for free advice, that you’re going to succeed? You need a plan, a plan that works. If you want to survive this break up you’ll need help. Every trip must be mapped out in order to reach your desired destination, this is no different. If you have any comments or questions for me, please write them below in the comment box, and I will answer them ASAP! What can I do to help you to use the no contact rule? What are you willing to do to survive a break up?
Who Am I and Why Should You Listen to Me?
My name is S. Williams, and I have been helping people for more than 3 years to overcome break up pain, and get their lives back. I even have an “About” section that I recommend you read. I know the name of my site is: How to Get Your Ex Back Fast, but I teach people how to get their lives back, not their ex’s.
If you’re interested in working with me (and our forum members) to get your life back, join my free newsletter for access to the free plan to get your ex back fast, and start getting your life back today. The answers you need to start your personal evolution are waiting for you, don’t hesitate another minute…come and get them.
Once you get your life back, everything else will just start to fall into place…I promise. If you have any comments or questions please write them in the comment box below.
If this article was useful or helpful to you in anyway, please show your appreciation by giving me a “+1″ using the button below this article.
Until next time,
S. Williams
http://www.howtogetyourexbackfast.com
Copyright © 2008 and beyond – All Rights Reserved Worldwide – You DO NOT have permission to reuse this content in any way, shape, or form.
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My wife decided she did’nt want to be married anymore 6months ago, since then i have pleaded and begged for her to try and work things out. (we have been together for 8 yrs married for 4 and have 2 kids 10 and 3). It all started when she opened her own buety salon inside a local gym, where she fell in with a new crowd of freinds most of whom are seperated or devorced and i think she has got a taste of the single life and is willing to sacrifice a good marriage and home life where i treated her like a queen for a new life on her own. She started going out alot and leaving me at home with the kids, i know that she has been with other men and stuff. I have moved out to my parents again and am finally doing no contact, she says that she will pay the mortgage payments and the bills in the house and try to get my name off the mortgage(she cant really afford this on her own). Solicitors letters have been sent to get an agreement on this. I am hoping that by me finally standing up to her and showing her that i am moving on and giving her what she wants that she will realise what she is doing and actually really want me back………………any advice????? She has txt me quite a few times asking how i am and stuff and that she really wants us to be freinds, i am ignoring theses txts as much as i can and trying to be as stand offish as i can but she gets angry and lashes out about things when i do this………is this because she is scared of loosing me or what?????
There are a few other details of how nasty she has been to me throughout all this, all i have ever tried to do is do all i can to keep by buetiful family together because i love her more than anything in the world and want my family back!!!!!!!!!!!!!
darren wrote:
Hi Darren,
Yeah, that’s one of the good signs that no contact is working, when they get angry…why?
Because if she was “over you” she wouldn’t care what you were doing, or thinking…right?
You’ve made all the mistakes now learn from them, and take positive action…do you have a plan to follow like The Magic of Making Up?
If not, I highly suggest that you get one, because that along with all the information I provide here on my Blog will help you a lot.
People can be “real nasty” when they are scared, you have to be calm for your family’s sake, and do your best to lead them out of this mess.
Take Care,
S. Williams
Hello Scott,
I know you are busy answering many people’s questions here, so I am sorry to take up more of your time, but just read the above response to Darren, which gave me some questions about whether my ex is in a rebound relationship four and a half months after breakup, or whether surrounding factors would indicate that she has moved on, period.
A music colleague and mutual friend told me today my ex said she plans to spend her birthday this Sunday with her new “friend” and his son, at a stylish restaurant this colleague performs at in the afternoon. He was surprised hearing from me how little time she lost in moving into another relationship, in the role of step-mother to boot, since he had talked to her twice last month (before the current relationship started up) and once afterward (though he didn’t know that it had), when she mentioned to him having left with “a friend” from a nightclub after running into me there (you may recall), but hasn’t yet mentioned anything to him about having a “boyfriend”, which he found strange since they have a pretty strong friendship and national bond. This colleague told me if this “new couple” with a 5-year old in tow do end up showing up at his restaurant gig, that when he eventually chats with her/them while on break he would try to assess reality a bit, if I were interested in hearing his take on it. I told him OK, nothing wrong with my keeping abreast of reality, but to not put me into it in any way. I told him it’s best I don’t even wish “Happy Birthday”, and he agreed I should just stay clear of the whole thing.
Judging from the tone of my encounter with her last week following 3 weeks of NC, my ex is no longer angry or rancorous, which suggests to me she has fully moved on, if quickly. While she is not really indifferent to me, as far as I can judge, she is apparently thrilled with finding herself in new relationship, complete with new “step-son” who goes with the package (She is 38, no children, never married, and it’s the same package she initially got with me too, but I didn’t have custody of my son so he didn’t move with us).
Since the meeting last week when she enthusiastically filled me in on her budding relationship, I have had no contact with her and don’t intend to.
My colleague wondered why she has said all this to me but not to him. Embarrassed to be seen by him as jumping from one bed to another? Meanwhile just trying to hurt me? Well, not many stones left to throw at me at this point in the game.
In two days I will be traveling to perform in another city for some weeks at least, and potentially for some months. This attractive gig just came up out of the blue a few days ago, and seems to me a good opportunity to continue NC and just let go of things, without eventually running into her again around the neighborhood we both inhabit. I told my colleague to offer no information to her about this gig or anything else concerning my life, and to not mention that we had even been in contact and discussed any of this.
Would appreciate your comments. Considering everything, would you say she has completely moved on? And would the wisest to do be to just continue on with NC for some months, getting an occasional update from our mutual friend (who went through similar breakup recently and is motivated by wanting to see us reconciled) on my ex’s relationship status ?
Djinho wrote:
Hi Djinho,
I would not get second hand information through your friend, just put her out of your mind for the time being.
I always say that people say things they don’t mean all the time…why?
That’s a great question, it never made much sense to me.
But I will offer one idea that I have about it, and that is they believe if they say it enough it will become true.
They are sort of trying to convince themselves by telling other people, I don’t think she is as “happy” as she would like you to believe.
Only time will tell, let’s see if she really is happy with him, if so then she is gone for now.
But, if she really isn’t, then when she comes to her senses she will be open to reconnecting with you again.
Whether you should wait around or not, is your choice.
Me, I would start dating again, and living my life like she had moved on, but I wouldn’t be surprised when you get back from your trip, that things might be different between her and her new guy.
Only time will tell…right?
Take Care,
S. Williams
Scott,
Thanks once again for your insights and objectivity. If you have any good suggestions for really getting her out of my mind it would be great to hear them. I am working on that through NC and through just “life-it’s-own-self” too, but it’s not easy to see all your plans and dreams with someone just go down the drain after 5 years together, as you know… especially at the ripe age of 53. However, I survived before and will again, and you may not be hearing from me for a while (you are busy enough). One question: Is it time to delete her from social sites, Skype, MSN, etc. I haven’t blocked her, nor she blocked me, which I find a bit surprising. Her name starts with “A” so she’s always at the top of the lists when I go online. I can deal with that, but maybe it’s a bit of self-torture… not sure. Also have pics of her on the computer. Maybe better to delete? Just your thoughts as it relates to getting her out of my mind. Thanks.
Djinho
@ Djinho:
Hi,
What I meant was focus on something else right now because the time isn’t right to do much more…right?
She is involved at the moment and you have travel plans.
You can not be certain that “all your plans and dreams” are gone forever.
If it helps you to focus on your life then remove her from all the places that you think would distract you, after all you can always add her back again later…right?
Take Care,
S. Williams
I’m new this site and have recently read the book. I’m wondering if this plan would really work for me? I think I have pushed him away completely. I found out he was cheating. I keyed his car slashed his tires. We got back together, but during that time I was so angry that I constantly nagged him and tried to punished him for his cheating. He finally said he couldn’t deal with me anymore and left me. Since then I have been begging and pleading and trying to spy and see who he’s with. It’s to the point where he won’t even talk to me or answer my calls. He says he’s completely done with me, I need to move on because he does not love me anymore. He told me not to ever call him again. Since the first step is no contact. How does that work if he doesn’t want me to contact him anyway? The last time I called he answered, we agrued and I begged and pleaded one last time. At this point, I got the book and read it. I haven’t contacted him since. Should I still try to get him back at this point? It seems too far gone. Oh, and I think he’s back with the girl he was cheating with.
Mary wrote:
Hi,
This plan will teach you how to do the opposite, and pull him back.
You have the book, now read it and follow each chapter as if it were a step in the plan.
I have tried to fill in the missing pieces about how to use the no contact rule with this article:
How to Get Your Ex Back Using The Infamous “Missing” Link
You can also read my section entitled “Start Here First“.
If you see any “general” question not covered in there, give me a shout, and I will add it…OK?
Mary wrote:
You sound like you want him, and you know the mistakes you made, as long as you learn from them and follow the plan in the book, I think you still have a chance…but you must be patient it will take time to pull him back since you’ve pushed him so far away…understand?
Maybe more than 30 days, maybe 60…are you willing to be patient?
Welcome to my Blog, I hope it will help you.
Take Care,
S. Williams
It’s been about 6 weeks since the initial break-up. She’s going through a divorce with a couple kids. We started seeing each other and she was clear she didn’t want anything serious, but things progressed naturally. I think she woke up one day and said, wow I’m in a relationship, and that’s where things started going downhill. I clinged and got desperate. I didn’t do anything crazy, but she could tell that I was questioning things which just pushed her further away until she had the dreaded “I need space” talk. After about a week I contacted her and then bumped into her a few days later. We talked and it seemed like she was going to give things a chance. But when we bumped into each other the next night she was cold as ice. Three days later, she was spotted at our hangout with another guy making out at the bar. I waited three weeks to contact her and when I did it was a short cordial email saying hope you are doing well. I got a very cold response a couple days later, which I responded to saying “should I stop caring now”. She didn’t respond so I texted that I apologize for being impatient and that I’m not the bad guy… I was just trying to reach out and it wouldn’t happen again.” A few days later she responds that I don’t fully understand her situation and she would certainly be unavailable for the next two months. She said she wished I’d stop wondernig what happens “next” as she has no plans for a relationship and she doesn’t care. I haven’t contacted her since. I really feel like it is time to move on. I do think she still has feelings for me because of the way she is avoiding me right now, but in the same respect I think she owes it to me to talk straight. Why would she shut me out, and is there any hope?
Grady wrote:
Hope lives in the heart, and no one can give it to you, and no one can take it away.
You give it to yourself, and you give it away.
I don’t know you at all, but I will give you hope, if you want it.
Hope is a small flickering flame that looks like it could go out at any moment, but it doesn’t…why?
Because you believe in it and you give it life…
There is always hope, as long as you keep the flame alive.
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
Hi Scott,
Thanks for the reply, really glad that someone is finally giving me support and guidance!
Yesterday she phoned me first thing and accused me of taking money out of the bedroom while she was at college and i was in the house(the house that i have been put out of) minding the kids. I told her to stop being so nasty to me and that she is getting everything she wants, the house, getting rid of me, etc. She then phoned me back while she was at her mothers house, she put me on speaker phone (without me knowing) she got a rise out of me about me not paying bills etc(even though i am not in the house I still pay the mortgage and all the bills!!!!!) And I started shouting at her to defend myself, her mum then chirped in to say that she was listening to me shouting at her daughter. This really hurt because her mum and family know how good I have been to her and know what she is throwing away and that I don’t want any of this, I now feel that they have turned against me.
“ ?????????? I didn’t reply and have gone back to no contact as much as I can. (i do feel better when using no contact, makes you feel more in control)
She phoned me later to ask that we both calm down, I told her that I have always done everything for her and that she shouldn’t forget that, she told me that that was the reason that she doesn’t want to be with me, because I am too good to her and that she has fallen out of love with me…….because I was too good to her and treated her too well?????????
I then asked her if this is a trial separation or a separation to the end, she said that it is definitely over and she will never want to get back together, that she has already had her separation (even though we were still in the house together with me moping and pleading while she moved on with her new life and new friends). She said that she thought maybe during the time I stayed at my friends or mums house (1 month to date) that she would miss me but she says that she doesn’t miss me the way that she should, I asked that if in the future if she does come to miss me would she come find me and want me back but she said that she had to get back to work! She texted me later to say “so we’re gonna b friends X
P:S
Sorry for going on and on!!!!!!!
I forgot to mention that she has already moved out and came back. last month she had got herself a rented house, she moved out on a sunday, taking our two sofas and her clothes. Four hours later she phoned me to say that she wanted to come home, then that she was staying away,then she was coming home, she finally decided to come home. i went and got a van about an hour later and she moved back home. Two days later she decided that she still wasn’t happy and she didn’t know how to get her feelings back.
During this time we went out on a night out seperatly (her with her best freind who she has also left behind in all this and me with her husband) at the end of the night we all bumped into each other, my ex wife was very drunk. Her freind and i got her a seat while trying to get a cab, she then asked her friend to get me which she did and then my ex wife told us both that she thought she was pregenent(obviously not by me!). I sat with her and told her that i would stand by her and we would get through it together because i love her and she is my wife, the next day was mothers day and we spent most of the day crying and talking about how i would stand by her, she told me that i shouldn’t be doing it but knows how good a person i am and that she doesn’t deserve me. after two days she found that she was’nt pregenent, the next day she decided AGAIN that she did’nt to be with me (she just threw it all back in my face!). after about two weeks of her saying yes then no,etc i said i would go to my friends house to give us some space, she said that is a good idea and that it wouldn’t be for long and that we would get back together, obviously she has completly pulled the plug on us again……and i am finally trying no contact.
I just need to know that at some stage that her bubble is going to burst and she is going to realise what she has done and what she had and thrown away and really want me back and that she will miss me and feel that spark inside for me again and start chasing me (I guess I need her to be humbled and feel the loss that I do). I just hope that it really isn’t too late now that solicitors are involved and I will soon be completely removed from my home when she takes on the mortgage payments and bills and eventually my name will come off the mortgage (she cant really afford any of this, the outgoings are £1300 and her own income including maint from me and gov support plus what little she lifts from her business comes to £1300).
Sorry for writing so much, needed to get all that off my chest.
Thanks for listening.
darren wrote:
No problem, sometimes that’s the best therapy, getting it off your chest.
All I can say is hold on tight, and hopefully she will settle down, and start using her brain for a change.
Sometimes bad things happen for good reasons…I have seen this in my own life.
When it’s all over, and the dust settles and you think over everything…you would be surprised how true that statement really is.
Hang in there!
Take Care,
S. Williams
Thanks Scott for the fast reply, really appreciate it!!!!!
I found out that my ex wife had been using the contraseptive pill (she wouldn’t use it for me) about two months into the break-up, just proved how much she had moved on. But she still moved out then moved back and kept telling me she wanted to work this out but did’nt know how. Deep down i think she doesn’t know what she wants, i know that she knows how good i am to her and how good a marriage she is throwing away. She has just seen other single people in the gym where she just opened her new salon(this all started when she opened the salon and feel in with new friends) going out and living the single life and she thinks that that will last forever and her new freinds are worth more than what she has(i would never have stopped going out with new freinds that would never have been an issue with us,never has been and she knows that too). I just feel that her new freinds and thier single life has poisened her, she could have the best of both worlds!!
Do you think that if i stick to no contact and show no interest in her life or where she goes or who she sees that she will realise what she has done and want me back……is no contact that effective???
darren wrote:
If she has any deep feelings left for you, using no contact will make them surface, you can’t kid yourself, or hide from your true feelings.
When you stop chasing her, you”ll stop getting information that will only hurt you (like about the pills) and you will start to become stronger.
She will wonder why you have stopped chasing her, and begin to worry that you’re moving on…now any feelings she was trying to hide will come rushing to the surface.
If there isn’t any then she will just move on, and so will you.
But that is far better than living in “relationship limbo” what-if-ing and wondering what is going to happen right?
NC will give you back control, and let you feel like you have a choice in this matter.
Take Care,
S. Williams
Thanks again Scott.
She has told me that she loves and cares for me very much, but isn’t in love with me anymore. Guess thats why she always asks if we can be friends, cause she is scared of losing me or any chance of getting me back in the future. She even asked to go out for a drink as friends yesterday, i just avoided the question!
Hopefully when she takes on the bills and mortgage and i am using no contact she will find that “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” and “You want what you can’t have”…..and ask me to come home.
darren wrote:
It’s funny how much “time” can do for situations like this.
Be patient, and hopeful.
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
Thanks Scott!
She has told me that she would love to see me move on and meet someone who appreciates me, but i think she is trying to justify all this to herslf by saying this. If i do move on and meet someone new she would probably panic cause she would feel that she has lost me.
P:S
Regarding no contact, the last couple of days of me using no contact and not contacting her. She has stopped contacting me as well, this scares me a bit cause i don’t know what she is thinking or feeling…..has she let go and moved on OR is she thinking that i’m just being silly by ignoring her and waiting for me to break no contact and come running and pleading to her again?
I hate these constant questions that are going through my head all the time!!! Sorry to go on and on.
darren wrote:
You’re right!
Usually when people repeatedly say things over and over they are trying to convince “themselves” that this would be for the best.
She is trying to convince herself, not you…understand?
darren wrote:
This is just part of using no contact, but remember the same thoughts are most likely going through her head as well.
But…
You have a plan, and a reason for the personal silence…she does not.
Stay hopeful (think positive), and remain patient…time will tell.
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
Hi Scott,
I think i understand what you mean about me having a reason for the personal silence, but i’m scared that she’s being silent because in her head she feels that she has finally got rid of me and doesn’t miss me because she has this new life and “seems happy” with me not being in it? She seems happy now that i’m not at home and is doing things on her own like the things i used to do (mowing lawn, washing, cleaning cars,etc). She probably doesn’t miss me being in bed beside her since it’s been over six months, will my absence really make her heart grow fonder?
darren wrote:
You’re frightened and that makes you worry, that’s understandable.
But, how helpful is it to constantly think negatively about what your doing, and the final outcome?
That’s like going to a casino telling yourself “I know I will lose my life savings tonight.”
In a sense you’re praying for things to go wrong, to prove all your worries were correct…is that what you want?
Plus, what choice do you have?
You want to know if she still loves you, right?
Well, in order to find that out you have to be willing to accept the opposite of that, that she doesn’t.
If she doesn’t love you anymore, then it’s time to move on, but to put off finding out “for real”, and only “guess about it” really doesn’t make much sense…does it?
The plan is to find out your ex’s true feelings, and act accordingly, nothing does this better and faster than using no contact.
But it is a scary time, but it doesn’t have to be that scary if you use some self help tools to control your fears.
Start doing some daily “positive affirmations” instead of praying for disaster with all your doubts and fears…understand?
Stay Strong!
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
Okay Scott sounds good,
What if she is seeing a new man or perhaps in a relationship with him, he may have replaced me in her head and heart, by being more exciting to her, new s e x, etc. But i doubt that he would treat her as well as i did in the long run, i can’t see her jumping into a new relationship so soon after being in a marriage, he’s probably using her for one thing! Hopefully when she has to start paying bills,etc herself she won’t be able to afford to go out as much or buy so many new clothes and she will realise what she had!
Can you reckomend some self help stuff???
darren wrote:
That’s the thought to hold on to and nurture, not the one’s about you being replaced, and losing her forever…understand?
darren wrote:
As a matter of fact I can, and I do in my section entitled “Win Back Ex With Emotional Control”, you can also go to your local library for motivational self help material too.
look at page 13 in the book The Magic of Making Up, TW has included that technique and some other useful exercises that will help you release negative thoughts and feelings.
The sooner you get those guys under control, the quicker your panic will fade, and your progress to win her back will increase, it only makes sense, right?
I hope this helped.
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
Okay Scott i will check out the self help stuff.
Yeaterday when i took the kids back home from staying at my parents house with me, my wife came home from work, i just said goodbye to the kids at the front door, said hello to my wife, she asked if i was going out that night…i said i didn’t know and that some folks from the gym were going out and that i might join them(i said that so she didn’t think i was just sitting in my parents house pining for her), i then got in the car to leave, my wife then asked why i wasn’t talking to her then just said “oh,it doesn’t matter”…i waved goodbye and drove off.
I then felt guilty for being so short with her and since she has also stopped contacting me so much over the last week i feel that she has really let go of me and isn’t feeling any loss or missing me at all and that she is thinking “well screw him, he is just being silly”,etc.
By using no contact, am i not giving her what she wants….no contact…and she is getting a sigh of relief since i’m not constantly chasing and asking questions?
I must be the worst case of a broken heart you’ve had yet!!!
darren wrote:
These thoughts are a great example of loss of emotional control, where’s the “positive” thinking?
If all you’re going to do is “second guess” yourself and the effectiveness of no contact, you will fail.
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
Okay Scott,
So is there a period at the beginning of no contact were my ex wife will be happy that i’m gone so she can run around living her single life and having guys all over her before she begins to miss me. Will she eventually start to chase me so to speak???
Regards
Darren.
darren wrote:
If she still has any deep feelings for you they will surface if you use no contact correctly.
If she has moved on, and doesn’t have deep feelings for you anymore she will not pursue you.
Either way you will at least know whether to “move on” yourself, or you will attract her back.
But if you don’t have “the guts” to use NC and find out which it is, you”ll be standing there scratching your head from now til dooms day…understand?
This is not “rocket science” just common sense.
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
Okay Scott,
I’ll have another read of the Magic of making up book.
Sorry for being such a pest, but my head really is up my ass at the minute, thought i was okay for a couple days there but i’ve taken another emotional nose dive….but haven’t broke no contact.
My friends and family just tell me to let her go and i’m better off without her,etc…but she is my wife and mother off my kids(stands for alot in my book..even if SHE can’t it) and i love her very much even through all the Sh1t she has put me through.
At the minute you are a real emotional strength and guide to me…..sorry again if i’m peeving you off.
Regards
Darren.
darren wrote:
You will need to avoid these people like the plague, they are feeding your fears, and should really just shut up…right?
If they can not “support” your decision, then they should just stay the f*ck out of your business.
darren wrote:
That is your decision, and I support you.
darren wrote:
You’re not “peeving me off” but sometimes I have to be “blunt” to get people’s attention…understand?
This Blog is about helping people get strong enough to “kick loves ass”, not the other way around, and letting love kick “their” ass.
Stay strong and start kicking loves ass…OK?
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
Okay Scott,
I’m just in a bit of a speed wobble at the minute since i haven’t heard from her in a while. She is going to the solicitors on Wed to agree to take over the mortgage payments, the house bills, and that she will get my name off the mortgage as soon as possible(scary cause that will be closure,mabye). She also wants me to give her my key to the house, just really frustrating since my name is still on the mortgage and the fact that i worked my ass off for 8yrs to get us where we are today!
I started a new career in Jan09 as a college lecturer in engineering and as i have mentioned she started her own business(inside a local gym) in OCT 08, one month after that she dropped the bomb. I thought that we were really going places with our careers and the fact that i now have alot of holidays that we could have spent with the kids together, but she just could’nt see it.
I think we just got stuck in a rut in our marriage, not going out, being stuck in the house, etc but that is married life what with money contraints and stuff(i was always the one who would say lets go out,she would always say “we can’t afford it”). When my wife started working inside the gym she has seen all these single people going out and having fun and has had lots of guys hitting on her and she fell in with a crowd of single women (mostly seperated or divorced) and started going out alot, that has been the catalyst for her to throw it all away. I just think that she sees me as a bore, but her bubble is bound to burst at some stage.
darren wrote:
You know that people get divorced and remarried to each other all the time.
I wouldn’t see what she is doing as “the end”.
It might be the end of the old boring marriage, and the beginning of a new opportunity to start over again with her…right?
For every door that closes there is another one waiting to be opened.
The trouble is most people stand there staring at the closed door instead of searching for the “new” door of opportunity to open.
Start looking for that new door…it’s waiting for you.
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
Know what you mean Scott,
It’s just hard to see her wanting me back now that she has this new exciting life, she has even left her old friends behind. Guess i’m hoping that she will find out thet the grass is’nt greener on the other side, but i feel that she isn’t really losing anything (apart from me), cause she is still in her home with everything in it so she won’t see that much of a dramatic change, just that once i’m gone she can have her new buddies or who ever else in the house to have fun with. If you know what i mean by that?
darren wrote:
If she closed the door there is nothing you can do but move on for the time being.
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
Do women go through this sort of thing, only to realise what they left behind???
P:S
i hope that anyone else going through this is getting some support or relief by following this thread, and getting some questions answered in thier heads.
Thanks Scott!!!!
Regards
Darren
@ darren:
Hey Scott,
If i text my wife to ask how the kids are, is that breaking no contact???
I haven’t seen them in two days, i’m missing them like crazy!
@ darren:
Hey Scott,
I’m wondering what is the best way to TXT her as to how are the kids doing(do i ask how she is doing also?), without her thinking that i’m just fishing to see what she is upto? Or is this just a no no regarding NC?
Regards
Darren
darren wrote:
Just ask how are the kids, and do not ask about her, just be polite, and if she asks about you give a short brief answer…I am good, that’s it.
The whole point of NC is to separate your personal feelings from your ex, make them wonder, even if they don’t seem to care…just do it.
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
Okay Scott,
Just asked how the kids are.
Been reading the MOMU book among others (again!), can’t get the concept of attracting her back(when or if the time comes). By using no contact, and not chasing her, making her wonder, etc, will she see that as me being a more confident person? Or will she always associate me with the old ways, if you know what i mean?
regards
Darren
darren wrote:
You attracted her once didn’t you?
You will do it again, after all this crap dies down.
In the mean time working on your emotional well being, get counseling if you need it.
Being needy, clingy, and begging does not work…OK?
You have to learn how to pick your battles, and now is not the time to fight, it is the time to lay low and regroup.
darren wrote:
Not if you let “the old ways” die with NC.
Take Care,
S. Williams
@ S. Williams:
Thanks Scott,
I know that i am doing the right thing now by using NC, i am not begging or pleading anymore. I guess that before when i was begging and pleading (6 months of it) that i was not ready in myself to let go, she didn’t help matters by telling me what i wanted to hear ( things like yes we will get through this and get back together) and just keeping me on a string! Just hope that i haven’t pushed her too far away now that i have started to try and pull her.
Regards
Darren
@ darren:
Okay Scott,
Testing the boundries of NC with ya here, i txt her “how are the girls?”, two hours later she replied with simply “girls r gr8.”.
Now should i txt back to say “thats good, give them a big kiss and hug from me would you”. Or not reply at all? And wait till i see my girls tomorrow when i look after them for my wife while she goes to college in the evening.
regards
Darren
darren wrote:
I wouldn’t “test” the boundaries, as much as I would learn to respect them at this point in the game.
You wanted to know how your kids were and she told you.
If it were me I would leave it at that…just a suggestion.
@ S. Williams:
Okay Scott,
At this stage of NC, she is probably thinking that i am just being childish by “not speaking” to her, but she IS getting what she wants at the end of the day…..rid if me! I didn’t actually sit down and say “i am not going to run after you anymore or ans your txts or phone calls!” I guess you are right…i asked how the kids are and she told me.
Regards
Darren
darren wrote:
And there lies the problem…if she starts asking about your personal life or why you’re kind of distant, tell her you need some time and space to process what is happening and decide what to do.
There, now you have made the statement that I am not just going to pretend everything is alright, and you didn’t just rip my f*cking heart out…make sense?
I am pretty sure it is mentioned in the book (not quite the way I put it).
darren wrote:
Chasing her was always a bad idea, but you don’t have to ignore her texts and phone calls unless they are about something other than your kids or financial business. You’re just keeping your personal feelings to yourself…there’s no big mystery to using NC.
But you’re so “starved” for her attention you “jump” at any excuse to break NC…right?
It just seems most people would rather fight against using NC, then to learn how to properly use it, because don’t believe in it.
And that is exactly why it isn’t working for them…they don’t believe it will work.
Nobody said using no contact was going to be easy, just effective when used correctly (the key word being “correctly”).
It’s all about attitude.
@ S. Williams:
Okay, i get what you mean about telling her that i need space to think and stuff(if i get the opportunity??). But should i have told her that before i went NC? ( i just gradually stopped asn her calls and txts, when she asked why i simply said i was busy or my phone was on silent,etc)
Since she hasn’t contacted me in a couple days and has stopped asking if i’m okay or am i not speaking to her? i feel that she isn’t even bothered anymore, but obviously this is the major side effect of NC for me!
Have you seen NC affect the “dumper” in this way, were at the start of NC they seem not to care and “stop” asking are you okay, why are you not talking to me,etc……..but then in thier heads the tables turn and “they” start to feel the loss?
darren wrote:
Ding! Ding! Ding!
You are correct, you should’ve told her that before you just started ignoring her personal inquiries.
That would make more sense wouldn’t it?
darren wrote:
There is no way for you to verify that “she don’t care” except by continuing to use NC.
If she thinks your moving on, and doesn’t react eventually (which I think she will) then you have the answer to your question, and you can continue to move on with your life as well.
Sometimes you don’t get your ex back, but you still want to get your life back…don’t you?
Finding out if she is over you for the time being, gives you the chance to move on and heal, instead of standing there with your heart in your hand, right?
And I do mean “for the time being” she could just be going through a phase, and when it’s over want to reconcile.
But if you lay down ultimatums and build a brick wall between you and her she will probably never come back…understand?
To quote the horse trainer guy in the movie “Sea Biscuit” “you don’t throw away a good horse just because it’s lame”, and you don’t throw away a good relationship just because one of you is having some doubts…right?
Keep the door open, but don’t stand there staring at it waiting for her to come through it, get the answers you need to move on with your life for the time being.
NC will help you get those answers…understand?
@ S. Williams:
Okay Scott,
***You are correct, you should’ve told her that before you just started ***ignoring her personal inquiries.
***
***That would make more sense wouldn’t it?
Can i perhaps fix the above by, keeping up NC, but on Tues evening when i see her (i will be looking after the kids in our house) just not be quite as quick to get away and mabye ask how ya been or something like that……then if (and only if) she asks if we are friends or why am i not speaking to her or something like that, i can tell her that i just need time to get my head around a few things!
OR
Just continue straight NC like it is at the minute?
Darren
darren wrote:
I would wait until she brings it up again, and then tell her you need some space to think things out, but don’t make it sound like you’re falling apart…OK?
@ S. Williams:
Okay Scott,
Will do!!!
You reckon she’ll bring it up again???
Thanks again for all the help,advice and support, you’re a real help and friend to me at the minute man!!!!!!
darren wrote:
Sorry not a fortune teller, but I am working on adding a psychic love reading program to the Blog to answer questions just like that one…stay tuned!
Keep your hopes up, I think she will.
@ S. Williams:
Thanks Scott,
Talk to you tommorow….when the next crisis crops up!!!!!
Thanks
Darren
I want to be sure I’m using the steps correctly. In the book it talks about the second chance letter as being the opening move. What if I went straight into no contact? We have been broken up for about 3 months. Still talking during those months. After all my begging, pleading, and harrassing, my ex hung up on me and told me not to call him again. So I didn’t. I began the no contact at that point, then I got the book and it has been 15 days of no contact. Do I still write the letter or just continue with no contact and follow the step from there?
Mary wrote:
That would’ve been the time to send the letter, right after he hung up on you.
It kind of loses it’s affect 2 weeks later.
Did you ever tell him that you’re going to be taking some time for yourself?
If not, tell him that the next time he tries to contact you, if he doesn’t contact you, don’t contact him.
There are examples of what to say in the “Start Here First” section.
@ S. Williams:
Hey Scott,
Couple of questions for ya to get your teeth into?
1) I haven’t heard from my ex wife in four days, starting to think that she isn’t missing me and happier on her own,etc.
Will she go like that at the start of NC for a while before she starts to feel any loss or before her bubble bursts.
2) Even though we were still in the same house for 6 months(after the breakup) and she was getting on with her new life while i was pleading and begging, and we were in seperate beds and stuff……could she have totally moved on during that time though she was telling me what i wanted to her about us working things out(she told me she said those things because she didn’t like seeing me hurting so much, and that seeing me cry made HER weak). What i mean is could she have got over me while i was in the house or will she only start to really miss me now that i am using NC and not in the house?
Hope you can figure out what i mean.
Darren
darren wrote:
That is your doubt and fear controlling your thoughts, find a way to deal with them before they drive you to do something that will make things worst.
darren wrote:
Anything is possible, keep following the plan to see what happens…what have you got to lose?
You’ve tried doing it the other way, right?
Did it work?
If not try doing it the way the book lays it out, and I do on my Blog.
Each situation is unique, and requires adjustment, but the overall target remains the same.
Break away from the old failed relationship, and make ready to reconnect, and start a new relationship, not revive the old failed one.
@ S. Williams:
Hey Scott,
My ex just called me, to ask if i was picking up the kids today from her mums. I told her i was, we about what to make them for thier dinner and stuff, then she asked was i okay and how was i coping….i said i was okay and had alot to thimk about…..she said “no hard feelings?…i said no and told her that she knows how i feel…..she asked “so are we gonna be friends?…..i just said that i hope so.
She then asked if i was out on the weekend, i told her i was out with some people from the gym, but didn’t ask if she was out.
We then discussed the whole finacial situation and said our goodbyes.
Did i handle that the right way?
I will see her later at our house where i am looking the kids while she is at college, how should i handle seeing her face to face??
I’m in a bit of a flap, since i haven’t heard from her in acouple days!
Darren
darren wrote:
Was that you’re way of telling her you’re using no contact?
Truthfully…that sounded pretty weak and needy to me.
Did you read FAQ #1 on the section called “Start Here First”?
You want her to think you’re not chasing her anymore, and are thinking about moving on, but you reply with “I hope we can be friends?”
Is that what you want to be “friends”? If not don’t tell her you hope to be friends, just you have to think about things, and you need some time and space to do it.
Is that so f*cking hard to do?
People take note:
He just told her he hoped to be friends…wow that will really get her worried and put him on her mind again.
She was checking to see if he was still wearing the collar and leash, and he confirmed it.
Now she knows he is still waiting for her, and she can play around longer, until she “maybe” finally moves on for good.
Now will that attract her back?
People you ask for my advice, but you don’t listen…obviously
@ S. Williams:
Okay Scott,
I understand why you are pissed off,etc and have used me as an example to others in my position.
Could you give me some advice as to how i can get back on track when i see her later on this evening?????? I’m sure that there are others following this thread that have probably F*CKED up just like me!!
Thanks
Darren
Thanks so much for your response! I’m still a little confused on what I’m doing. I know to continue with the no contact as you stated. What’s worrying me is that I also know one of the first steps is to agree with him that we should be broken up and that is ok the relationship ended. How can I do that if I have no contact with him? I guess, I’m wondering what my next move is after getting myself together during the no contact period. I’m afraid that I have messed up the plan because I missed the first step.
Hey, easy on Darren there S. Williams. Does it not say in a video you posted that maybe someday we’ll be friends is what to say after an opening move. Are you the same guy in the video, read another contradiction to this in another response when you told someone to leave that part out of their letter. What is the real fucking strategy, a little consistancy in your advice maybe.
darren wrote:
You tell me what you should do.
Use all the information in the books you have, and that’s on my Blog, and in my comments, and you tell me what you think you should do…OK?
Trouble isn’t ‘knowing” what to do, it’s being strong enough to do it.
Hence the motto of this Blog:
~I know that love hurts but with my help you”ll get strong enough to kick loves ass~
Not get weak enough to drown loves ass with tears…do you see the difference here?
Here’s is something to think about in the meantime.
You have to create a “mindset” that you will be more than able to live without your ex.
Once you have convinced yourself of this simple, yet “true” fact I think you will start to see the results you’re looking for…OK?
darren wrote:
I can not even f*cking begin to tell you how many others.
That is why I myself get discouraged about how effective me, and my Blog really are in helping people get their ex back, or to move on if they can’t get their ex back.
You can’t help people who are not willing to help themselves…remember that, OK?
We have been broken up for 3 months and its been back and forth drama every since and it’s been over two weeks of no contact. Just want to know if this a good idea or a bad one??
I thought about mailing a simple and short note with an apology saying that I am sorry for the way I acted and that I agree with him and we should be broken up…because is the right thing to do.
@ Mary:
Fair enough Scott,
I’ll work something out! And put it right when i see her tonight.
Hey Micheal thanks alot for your input man, appreciate it.
Regards
Darren
Michael wrote:
Hi Mike,
Is it hard to breathe with your head so far up your ass?
My name is S. Williams, not T. W. Jackson.
Can you see the difference Einstein?
If you’re paying that much attention, you might as well give up on getting your ex back…understand?
I also didn’t write the fucking book either you asshole, I offer free advice to help people fill in the holes that are missing in the book.
And help them “help themselves” not whine to me about contradictions in my advice, and a book I didn’t even write…OK?
Now, either pull your head out of your ass, and start paying attention, or hit the fucking road…good enough for you?
Before you go maybe you could amaze us with some of your pearls of wisdom on getting your ex back first?
Or even better yet use the suggestion form to offer me a suggestion to make the blog better, you would be the first.
No one seems to care about anything but themselves, and that selfishness is what prevents then from succeeding.
Michael wrote:
What is your strategy scouring the internet for free advice so you can whine about it?
If you want professional help get out the phone book and look up a therapist…OK?
Nowhere on this blog (did you read the about section?) or in my emails do I profess to being a professional…but I sure the fuck can’t help whiny people who will not think for themselves and expect me to spoon feed them a plan, and then not follow my advice.
You’re a perfect example Mike of the kind of whiny asshole that will never get your ex back, because you’re too busy complaining to take any action.
You can go ask T.W. Jackson for advice, but hell might freeze over before you get it.
Mary wrote:
Why don’t you just use what I suggest to use in FAQ #1 when he tries to contact you again.
If you’re going to try to “appease” him with some note 3 months later, I don’t know if that will be very effective, and possibly look needy.
What a lot of you people don’t realize is most of the advice, and videos on this Blog is for people who just broke up, and haven’t made one million mistakes already.
That is why I ask people to get a book either from me or where ever they want, but just get one and start doing things right.
The but the general opinion of that is that I am just trying to sell them a book like a money grubbing asshole.
You waited a long time to either get the right information, or to correctly use the information you have.
Stop and think for a minute, will this letter be as effective now as it would be right after the last blow up?
darren wrote:
Yeah thanks Mike you’re a “real” role model for idiots…
BTW it wasn’t the part about just answering her questions about being friends, it was about how powerless you came off on the phone.
Once again do not get involved with your ex this way conversationally if you’re not strong enough to pull it off, just get off the fucking phone…understand?
No contact what does that mean?
FAQ #1 States to keep your business all about your kids or household matters, and not engage in personal talk.
If you want to get T. W. Jackson’s opinion…go get it.
But he is pretty busy counting all the money he’s making off that book he wrote.
Meanwhile I don’t make shit helping people for free, and you fucking complain about it?
I am seriously thinking about not responding to comments on here anymore it is becoming a big fucking waste of time.
Before you whine about my advice read my whole fucking blog, and pay attention, and think for yourself…that helps too.
Instead of taking everything word for word, maybe look at the end result you want.
You want to attract them back, not as “friends” as lovers…right?
Who are they going to be more attracted to friends, or an ex lover that no longer seems interested in them anymore?
Most people want what they can’t have.
And just for the record Darren never bought a fucking thing from me.
I am working with him for free, but if he is going to have this I can’t do it attitude he might be better off in one of those cry baby forums…what do you think?
One more thing to think about.
How fucking smart is it to do something first, and then ask for my advice?
Maybe if he had asked what to say before he fucking said it would’ve made more sense…right?
You do accept a job and then ask how much do they pay…hell no, that would be stupid…right?
People you have to pull your head out of your ass, and seriously think about what you want, and how to get it.
No, the letter I suggested would not be effective at this time. Thanks for your help!! I really think you are awesome and do a great job!! For the record, I do the book and I am following the plan. It is very easy to get off track, that’s why I come here for advice. You’re awesome~!
@ S. Williams:
Okay Scott,
I havn’t bought anything from you because i didn’t know about your blog till after i bought the magic of making up from T.W Jackson.
If wish i had bought the book from you because you deserve to be paid for the advice that you give on your blog!!!!!!
I understand that you are snowed under with stupid questions from people like me who don’t know weather they are plucked or stuffed at the moment!!!!!
Regards & Respect
Darren
Mary wrote:
You’re welcome Mary! I might seem mean, but I only have one thing in mind when I give my advice out, and that is to see “you” happy again.
Not to help you keep your ex happy, they left…remember?
I am not here to “stroke” your ego, your wallet or my ego for that fact.
So you know what I say here on my Blog, is definitely how I feel, I don’t blow smoke…that’s what the cry baby forums are for
I know that some people will not get their ex back, but it’s not their fault or mine…some couples just don’t work out…that’s all.
Give it your best effort, and then get strong enough to accept the outcome, one way or the other.
life is subject to change without notice…always remember that.
darren wrote:
This is why I also recommend that you get some help with your emotional state, have you even tried to use any self help tools?
This is your wife and family you’re after…you need to get strong emotionally, or life will just roll right over you…understand?
Strong enough to kick loves ass
If you are not thinking clearly then you need help with that, either use some self help tools like the one’s I suggest on my Blog (their very inexpensive and have a money back guarantee), or get some for free from your local library, or go find a good therapist.
Whatever you decide to use to help yourself, decide and start doing it immediately.
Put a pictures of your children all over your home so you will see them, and remind yourself what you’re fighting for.
Make no mistake this is a fight, a fight for the right to keep your family.
Leave your wife out for now because it might have the reverse affect we want here.
I just thought that up, it’s not in the book, or on the videos…how did i think that up?
Because I put myself in your shoes, and asked myself what would I do to get my family back?
I would really, really hate to see you lose your family, but you have to get your emotions in order again first…very important!
darren wrote:
Darren if you don’t get serious about focusing, and stabilizing your emotional state, you”ll end up being both.
@ darren:
Hey Scott,
Reading you loud and clear!!!
I set her straight when i saw her this evening!!!
She came in to the house, i went to leave imediatly…..she asked ” why can’t you even have a converstaion with me?, you don’t even make eye contact???
i told her ” i have alot to think about and get my head round!”
She said “well how long do i have to put up with that attitude for, do you not think you have had long enough????! (cheaky bit*h !, can’t even see what she has done)
i told her ” no, i am loosing my house,etc.. i have alot to think about!” “you are getting what you want!!!!”
Think she said ” right then, just go” or something like that.
As i left my mum phoned my mobile, my wife saw me on the phone in my car as i drove off, i stopped the car a little bit down the street to talk on the phone(safe driving and all that!). A couple minutes later my wife drives past me, stops, reverses back and puts window down( my kids are still in the house on thier own??????) she says that she is just nipping into work to get her printer for the computer….and asks” who’s that on the phone?”
I told her ” just a mate!” (usually i would just tell her exactly who it is!!!)
Goodbye…and that was that!
Felt a bit more in control after that!!!!!
darren wrote:
Very good…keep it about business.
You’re not some dolly that she can play with whenever she wants, but she feels she has that power…you gave it to her by being indecisive, and clingy.
Now you’re going to take it back, make yourself stronger…understand?
The old Darren, the old relationship…all history, it’s time for a fucking change, right?
She will be attracted to this new Darren you watch.
Oh at first she will struggle for the power, but you will remain stronger and she will be impressed.
The door to your “cell” was always open you just lacked the confidence to walk through it.
darren wrote:
This part never should’ve happened don’t let your emotions get the best of you.
You should have just politely said “goodbye” and left her screaming looking out of control…make sense?
You can you start to understand what I am telling you?
NC is not just about “no contact” it’s about getting back all the power you gave away before you started using NC.
When she is the one falling apart, and you’re the cool calm one…who you think is going to win?
Once you rattle her cage with NC she will start to rethink the way she looks at you, but you must always be polite…even if she spits in your face, wipe it off, and calmly leave.
darren wrote:
That feels good doesn’t it, now don’t rethink this later and worry that she’s mad at you…because she is, but that is because you challenged her power…gave her a little kick in the ass.
Sometimes that’s all some people need is a good swift kick in the ass to help them wake up.
Good Job!
darren wrote:
I want to re-clarify what went wrong here for anyone reading these comments and wondering WTF I am talking about…OK?
Darren was doing just fine keeping everything about the kids and household business, but then he lost control.
Can anyone tell me where he screwed up?
Yes, you over there in the third row tell me where Darren messed up.
(the guy from the third row speaks) Yes I believe it was when he answered her personal questions…is that right?
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Give the man a cigar!
The first rule of no contact is to not answer any personal questions with anything except politely saying “I really can’t answer that because I need time to think, please stop asking about how I feel. thank you”
Really you should just ignore them (texts, emails, phone messages with personal questions in them), but when you’re in a situation such as Darren, and you have to meet face to face to discuss child and household matters you really can’t.
My personal favorite personal question is when the ex asks; “how are you doing, or can we be friends?”
Hmmm Let’s see…you had time to think about this, and then you jump me with a breakup.
I feel fucking great!
Let’s have a press conference and you can all explore my feelings right now here on the spot before I can even catch my breath.
Oh…and have you seen my heart?
I think it just fell right the fuck out of my chest.
I’m sorry I hope it didn’t make too much of a mess.
So, if you think it is hard to keep NC in your situation, put yourself in Darren’s, or any other married person’s shoes that are trying to save their family and their marriage…and think again…OK?
I hope this clears up the big confusion that I created today.
@ S. Williams:
Thanks for the feed back Scott, really really appreciate it!!!
We are supposed to be going on a family holiday to Turkey in July (me, her and the kids), her MUM&DAD + her sister and her family are also going but not to the same resort.
Last week she had said that it’s not a good idea if we both go on the holiday because we will just end up fighting, i agreed and said that if i don’t go that it will kill me not seeing the kids for two weeks(but i’m just gonna have to get through it!). She said that one of her other sisters would go in my place, i said that would be okay.
She texted this morning to say that she neede to know if i was going on the holiday or not?
I’m gonna text back and say that i don’t think that it’s a good idea that we both go because we WOULD end up fighting and ruin the holiday for the kids(+ if i went on the holiday i would end up a basket case!)
I’m also a bit apprehensive today as she is going to her solicitors today to (hopefully) agree to take on the mortgage payments and the bills.(just hoping that her solicitor doesn’t advice her to take me to the cleaners!!!)
If she agrees to take on bills and stuff i will be able to have money in my pocket again and go out and stuff……at the minute i am living in my parents house while paying a mortgage for house i’m not in and all the bills within that house while my wife is able to afford to go out 2 or three times aweek and buy a shitload of new closes,etc , while i have to scrounge off my parents to put petrol in my friggin car!!!!
So … if she does take on all the bills,etc we will not be long finding out what it’s like to paddle own canoo and mabye her bubble will burst!!!!
hi,
my ex nd I broke up . He said he is no longer sure and he wants to postpone marriage and keep me as his girlfriend only. (“the in case”). I rejected. After our last (this) conversation he stopped answerin my calls. I stopped callin him after sendin a message sayin am leavin for good.About 2 weeks now, (yesterday) he sent me a message at 3 am sayin: ” hi, how r u? I cldn’t sleep so I thought of you. I hope u are doin well”
I didn’t answer him.
Dear all, the NO CONTACT works. I DOES, really. At a moment, I really thought, he wldn’t contact me because whenever we had a dispute or a slight breakup, I was the one to contact him ( quickly), which showed my insecurity and fear! Now lets switch the Roles!! I guess he started havin the feelings of fear because this time I really stoped all contact. I erased his number nd deleted him in MSN. In short, I said I am leavin nd disappeared! For the first time my boyfriend/Ex makes the first move after a breakup.
I hav one Question Scott. Do u think he will call? what if he did, shall I ignore his call too? (that’s what I intend to do)
thanks
nihal wrote:
Another convert!
It actually works even better when you initiate it by using some of the techniques I outlined in FAQ #1-2
Yes, it does work, but now what?
nihal wrote:
I think you should initiate no contact correctly.
This way he doesn’t just think you’re mad at him but he will know that you are seriously rethinking this whole relationship you have with him.
Use the the information in FAQ #1, #2 in the “Start Here First (FAQ’s)” section.
Thank you for the reply Scott,
It has been 22 days of no contact and we have been broken up for three months. I didn’t get the chance to initiate the no contact. I just stopped calling him after he hung up in my face and told me not to contact him again. I got the book one week later. I have been following the plan. I have started back studying for the CPA exam, I redecorated my apartment, bought some new clothes, changed my hair style, and even went to acupuncture therapy to help with stress and emotional anxiety.
I made the mistake of looking at this facebook page this weekend. On his page I found out that he is in a relationship with the girl that he cheated on me with. I thought I was on the right track but have now gotten very discouraged. If they are truly happy together I don’t want to step in and try to break up their relationship. It really hurt me to see them together. I am going to continue with the plan but, should I skip the reconnection phase and go straight into moving on? I guess I’m fearful that he is in love with her and that’s who he truly wants to be with. Please give me some insight?
Mary wrote:
yeah I would say that was a mistake…how do you feel now?
Mary wrote:
I thought you would say that…don’t spy on your ex…got it?
It’s none of your business and has nothing to do with your chances to get him back.
But it will make you feel like shit…right?
Mary wrote:
Just because you saw something on “Facebook” that makes it a true story?
Please people are constantly posting pure bullshit just to get a rise out of certain people.
Facebook doesn’t care they make money when people click on those ads…end of story.
Your heart can’t be in this whole “get my ex back” plan, because you’re ready to pack it in at the slightest little bump in the road.
If you’re serious just stick to the plan, and when you’re ready go for chapter 6.
You have the plan at least try using for a while before you give up…unless you truly want to pack it in, then I say go to chapter 8 and start moving on.
Your Choice
Hey Scott,
Last Friday morning(8:20am) i went to my house with my eldest daughter so she could get her boots for school. We went in i went to go into my wife and my bedroom, the door was closed, she said “oh,don’t go in there”….i went in to find some guy standing behind the door!!!
I obviously was’nt amused, asked who he was, he said its not what you think….my wife said its just a one off,etc.
Since then i have just gone back to NC as best i can while picking up the kids,etc(she is out all the time with her buddies, tells them she married too young and wants to live a little).
This week she has transferred all the bills for the house into her own account, so next month it may be her reality check concerning money and what it’s like to be on her own……i will have money in my pocket again…perhaps the tables will turn???
darren wrote:
Everything turns just like the world in constant motion, one day your down the next your up…the trick is making through the down days to make it to the up ones.
The great thing is once you get the hang of how life works you don’t get as many down days….they just seem to dwindle off to practically nothing.
We really are the masters of our own destinies.
@ S. Williams:
Know what you mean,
From next month i will finally have some money in my pocket again, after 7months of not having a tap, while paying a mortgage and house bills for her, while all the gov benifits and money she makes she has been spending on clothes and going out.
My point being that i can finally show her that i am moving on by going out more and buying new clothes myself and making myself more attractive. That is the whole point in the strategy is’nt it?
Her friend has told me that she says she has no interest in men or relationships at the moment, just wants to have fun……if she is thinking like that she may not even notice me moving on or dressing/looking better,etc……mabye when the money drys up next month(which it will, the figures just don’t add up as to how she can afford it..guess she’s living in a bubble) she realy will realise what she had?
darren wrote:
Translation: she is being super selfish so it really isn’t anything you did or said she just wants to be 15 again.
darren wrote:
Maybe not, but when she stops acting like an irresponsible child she will begin to notice then, right?
But you will notice, and when you look in the mirror you will not see a “shell” of a man, but a new man rising from the ashes of the latest fire of evolution in this cycle of life.
You will begin to feel better stronger, and that will be the turning point…understand?
I don’t worry about whats waiting for you in the light at the end of the tunnel, focus on navigating safely through the tunnel first.
darren wrote:
Yes, and when her bubble burst you will be waiting to help her pick up the pieces and your bond will become even stronger.
Hi Scott,
Here goes; so I have been following the NC for a week since our break up.
I made the mistake of e-mailing her and telling her she can take all the time in the world to see if i fit in her life or not.
She replied 24 hours later (last wednesday) saying we can not continue this circle; she said its best we stay a part and work on each other before we can work on our relationship.
She ended by saying if its meant to be we will be together one day, she is sure of it. Also said she has a lot of resentment towards me due to the fact our relationship was so boring etc….
She also mentioned that she would call me soon to discuss the selling of our condo….
I never replied to that e-mail.
Now this morning i get an e-mail saying that she will go to my place on friday to pick up the rest of her things, and that it would be akward if i was there while she wa packing..
she also asked me when I have time to meet at the end of the month to discuss the mortgage and the fixing of the condo before we sell it.
my question is this: do i reply, or keep NC going…. and just be out of the condo on friday when she is coming over to pack the rest of her things?
Or do i reply telling her its fine, and that ill call her at the end of the month?
signed, bill.
bill wrote:
Yes, you should reply…this is a joint business matter between the two of you and it’s not a personal question.
Did you properly initiate no contact as outlined in the FAQ’s?
Go read the sections all across the top of the Blog.
Also do you have a plan yet, did you buy any books?
We work primarily with the magic of making up, but if you have a different book you can try using that too.
Go join the forum and post your break up story in heart break hotel, and then we can bury it and start working on getting through this.
Plus feel free to speak out to the other people going through break ups in there as well.
Support is a very good tool to have and use.
Hi Scott,
Thanks for the reply
Did you properly initiate no contact as outlined in the FAQ’s? Yes to the T
Also do you have a plan yet, did you buy any books?: my plans is to see if i truley want to be with her or not.
If i reply, would it look like im needy?
Im stuck on how to reply. I mean NC thing to do is; not reply and simply leave a note for her to see on friday
” hope you got everything you need, we’ll talk at the end of the month about the mortage”
Bill
@ bill:
Join the forum and re-post this under one of the 3 No Contact forums that fits your unique situation.
See you in the forum!
Hi Scott,
so i just discovered the Magic of making up and bought it the other day, i read through the whole book and have a question on how to start out.
It’s been more than a month now, and about two weeks ago (before i found the book) i called him to say hi, and if we could meet up sometime. he said he was busy, and i told him to call me when he was free to meet up.
So… two weeks later and still nothing. I did call him a few days ago, but he did not answer.
I just bought the book the other day, so now i am just wondering where to start.
Would it be best to still continue NC until he calls, or should i call and try to set up to meet him (by using the reconnection in chapter 6)
I know you’re not a fortune teller and don’t know me or my exact situation, but any advice on how to start out would be great..
call or wait for him to call? any suggestions?
Thanks
@ S. Williams:
Hey Scott,
I met a woman on Sat night while out with friends, we had a dance, kiss,got her number and have been txting her…….meeting her on Wed night for a drink.
My ex wife phoned me on Sunday, we just talked and stuff she told me a guy from the gym was interested in her and that she was just letting me know that she was going to go out for a drink with him, i told her that it was easier if she was honest like that instead of all the lies and stuff, she said she didn’t want to hurt me, i told her it hurt because she had said she just wants to be on her own,etc but it hurt more because of the fact that i’ve lost my home,etc and some other guy is enjoying it while i’m in limbo at my parents.
I told her about the girl from Sat night and that i was going to take her out, wife said that it hurt but she was happy for me.
Wife txt me this morning(Mon) “Morning! Do you mind if we have a little chat later,Darren?” I did’nt reply. Stuff was going through my head like..Oh she is worried i’m moving on and wants me back….then i thought but hey i am really looking forward to seeing this girl on Wed nite, to see if she is as good looking as i remember LOL.
Couple hours later wife phones to ask if i got her txt, i said i was just about to txt her back. I asked wot was up and wot did she want to talk about and was it going to hurt??, she said it might. She was wanting to tell me that this new guy from the gym had been in the house the night before for a coffee and a chat, she said she likes him….i just told her that it hurt because i am annoyed about the house situation and he is getting the benifits and stuff+i am worried about him seeing more of my kids,(normal feelings i guess for an ex husband and Father of kids) wife said she understands that.
So fingers crossed i get to see more of this new woman after Wed, she sounds real nice….feels good to get to know someone new(shes 6Yrs older than me and seperated herself…wifes new man is 4yrs younger than her). I’m so glad that i met someone at same time as my wife, means i have someone to hopefully focus on and have fun with. Do you think my wife is wondering about this new woman or what????? Course i’m thinking too that her new guy is going to be the love of her life,etc!
Lucy wrote:
Did you ever initiate no contact with him using the method outlined in the FAQ’s on the Blog?
You see NC only works when they have been told you don’t want any contact from them.
Read more of my Blog to see what I mean…you might want to send him a letter and let him know you’re using no contact.
Emails, texts don’t work as well, and could get erased accidentally, whatever method you choose you need to tell your ex you’re thinking about your life, and maybe moving on.
This will create curiosity.
Have you joined the forum?
You will get a lot of support in there, people using the same book to get their ex back too.
The best tool you could have at your disposal.
Go post your break up story in Heart Break Hotel then read what everyone else is doing, and ask questions in the appropriate forums.
darren wrote:
She must be wondering about your new friend, nothing wrong with dating while you’re planning to get your ex back.
Did you post this in the forum yet?
@ S. Williams:
No not yet, where is the best spot to put it??????
My wife has phoned me a couple more times today, asking whre i’m taking this girl to and if i need her to come home early from college on Wed nite to get the kids?? I told her no that it’s okay also told her where i was going to go on Wed.
Is it okay to be quite friendly(just say wot needs to be said) with my wife at the minute when we talk, but let her think i’m thinking more about my new friend(which i actually am!)
darren wrote:
I would think under the The Male Evolution Into a Better Man forum because you are using dating to transform yourself from an emotionally drained male to a more self confident man by dating during NC. Title it something like “Dating During No Contact”
darren wrote:
Yes, but don’t divulge your personal business…especially between you and your new friend…keep her guessing, this keeps you on her mind.
@ S. Williams:
Okay Scott will do!
She was on the phone a little while ago, shouting about the mortgage payments and that i have left her to all the bills and washed my hands of the holiday????…..this is what she wants after all to not be with me and on her own!!!! I just told her that she knows me better than that, she said she has’nt known me for months…..i just said that that is nonsense and that i have not changed i’m still me! I’m gonna play it cool and confident(as much as i can). I’d say she is pretty stressed out at the minute with everything, ya think my new friend will be on her mind too?
@ darren:
Why don’t you re-post this in the forum, this way you can get the other female members feedback as well.
Who would know what’s on another females mind better than another female…right?
Post it under the male evolution with a title like “What Would a Woman Think About This?” or something to attract other female members to your topic…this is the best tool of our forum.
I am being asked all the time for my male point of view by female readers and others I work with, well now they can get mine and every other male members insight as well…just join and participate in our forum.
Participate means more than just reading and posting your own questions…it means reading and responding to your fellow members post as well, we are here to help each other…and it works.
So, should I call him back and tell him i need to figure some things out (and start using no contact). I think that would be a bit weird, considering i called him before to ask to meet up.
And it’s also too late to send a letter, its been over a month now…
I’m just not sure how to appropriately start no contact right now after i had already called him before…
thanks
i also tried to sign up for your forum, but my computer is acting strange right now, so i couldn’t post it there.. sorry
Lucy wrote:
Yeah it’s tricky but you have to figure out a way to initiate NC or just wait until he contacts you for some reason, and then tell him.
I know this answers sucks but it seems like you will just have to wait for him to contact you.
One way to get him to do that sooner would be to start dating and make sure he sees you with your date.
But be subtle…OK?
Lucy wrote:
Your profile is active, so try again.
okay thanks
oh, and one last question. what should i do if he never does call? how long is a good time to wait?
thanks again
Sorry, for posting so much.
But i can’t sign into the forum.. i don’t remember my password and i’ve been trying to recover it, but i haven’t been sent an email… so i can’t post my questions there!
Lucy wrote:
Look in your junk folder if it is there make sure you white list the forums email address. If you can not find your password I will delete your first account and you can make a new one.
yeah it’s not in my junk folder either..
If you can delete this account, i’ll make another one right now.. and use my other email
thank you:)
@ S. Williams:
Hey Scott,
Just looking for some of your expert advice!
Last time i posted i had met someone new as has my ex, i am still seeing the new girl and i think my ex is still seeing her new fella(don’t know for sure, have’nt asked). Two weeks ago my ex wife was in a local bar and ended up in a fight with her new b friends ex, his ex is now pressing charges against my ex wife. To top it all off the gym in which my wife runs her salon in has terminated her contract so she has now lost her business(what is she thinking!). When she phoned to tell me i really shouted at her, asking her what the hell she is playing at as she is 29yrs old and has the responsibilty of 2 kids! A couple times during the following week when i saw her she was telling me how her life was such a mess and she needed a shoulder to cry on and said”oh, to think of all the things we had this time last year”, i told her not to even go there and that i had scraped around in the dirt trying to fix things between us, but that she had no interest and now that she has wrecked not only her marriage,family and now her life she comes to me and starts telling me this crap, she even suggested that we (yes we) move away with the kids and start again, but not to get back together, we could just go as friends…..i just said that i could’nt believe that she would even ask me that! So, over the last week she has found new premises for her business ( in the centre of town), so now she thinks she is the big business women again, she does’nt need me anymore so she has become very ignorant towards me again, since during the previous week i was helping out a bit she was as nice as pie!(previous to this i was using N.C for 3-4 weeks).
She was very ignorant to me yesterday and really pissed me off, cause of the way she spoke to me (like i was some doormat she can just use when she feels like it). These new premises she has are more expensive + now she has to pay all the bills and mortgage herself, i can’t see how she is going to afford it, but thats not my problem anymore, right? She will need me again alot sooner than i will need her for anything, but when she does i will just play it cool and tell her that i am not being used ever again and that she has a new man she can use, why does she think she can just use me as a friend……she sure as hell would’nt speak to or use any of her other friends like that!
Deep down inside i still want my wife and family back together in the future(you may ask why but if you have a family you’ll understand).
Am i doing the right thing by telling her (the next time she asks me to do something for her or whatever) that i’m not being used anymore and when i see her not to even enter into any conversation (except about the kids)with her. I just don’t know how to come accross to her, if i am friendly then she sees me as just a friend she can use and abuse(which is how she sees me now i think) or do i just give her one word answers type of thing when i see her……hope you know what i mean?
Basicly what i’m asking is whats the best way to play it(in my mess of a situation) because obviously what i’m aiming for is reconsiliation in the future!
darren wrote:
Hi Darren,
Re-post this under the forum no contact rule for married couples.
How about this situation. Right as I met this guy my doctor told me I probably had cancer. The doctor told me that I also had a high chance of dying a fairly quick and painful death from this cancer. I did not tell the bf about the potential dying part but I did tell him that I needed immediate major surgery due to a growth in my abdomen. He still pursued me throughout this low time in my life and after I was somewhat recovered we did begin seeing each other.
He then broke up with me and told me there was someone else.
I am not talking to him and he really ended up being such a jerk that I never want to talk to him again.
This would not be a problem except that we occasionally work near each other. He is just bursting to talk to me and get my attention but I always turn and try to ignore him. I called him once many months later and told him to knock it off. He was so busy trying to read something else into it (I am not sure what it was exactly but something) that I don’t think it really got through to him. Since then everytime our paths cross he always postitions himself where I can’t help but see him and he parades back and forth in an exaggerated manner like some sort of animal mating dance or he puts on this wounded beast act or the worst the forgive me puppy dog eyes.
All of this is really annoying. It’s been 3 years. I can’t talk to him because he only says things or hears things that further his agenda. I really just want him back off and stop all of this display behaviour.
When I look at him I think “what in the hell were you thinking?”.
I have a new bf and I would just like this mistake of mine to get over it. I’m sure he is getting laid so that is not his problem.
Please, sometimes no really means no. :banghead:
helen wrote:
I don’t have a plan to get rid of your ex, but I could recommend something.
It sounds like the time to be polite, has come and gone.
Why don’t you tell him to his face to leave you the fuck alone?
Don’t call him, stare straight into his eyes and tell him to “fuck off”…that should work.
Take Care,
S.W.
I have told my friends to not tell me ANYTHING about my ex boyfriends well being. Around the time we broke up hewould always ask how I was ^^;;
Hey, finding this blog is a blessing. Im in dire need to help get my head straight through this no contact rule. My ex girlfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago, we have been together for 9 months and it was a good relationship, no fights, no arguments but basically what brought us down was small flaws that we disliked from one another, which now ive realized is completely normal in every relationship. Youre supposed to be able to work through these to be able to strengthen those bonds. Ive also realized that I dont want to let us go or throw us away just like that.
Instantly i used the no contact rule on the first week. Yet she called me and we fought, about insane things, and she’d spat stuff out at me like “she never really liked me” “shes never missed me” “shes never been jelous about me” and all these crap that at first took a massive blow to my head, and i had to withdraw gather back my thoughts. Luckily her best friend called me, and i explained these things that my ex told me to her. And she quickly at the start said “its what she does she runs away from thing and finds it easier to make up her own bullshit and hope to god to believe it to make things easier for her self” shes grown up with my ex since they were 6 and everything shes reminded me of my ex is true, as i also know her that well too and thats how she is. Obvious to the fact that i knew she said what she did not mean, because i was with her in that relationship and i saw how she looked at me, and when around me, along with things she’d say to me constantly. Sometimes i’d go on 2 days without seeing each other and she’d be texting how much she misses me and cant wait to see me ect…so when i did think aboit it. I knew it was bullshit. But i dont understand why she would say these things?
I gave that week a few more days and then on that thursday when i was out with my mates, she missed called me 5 times, and left 5 txt msgs ( i did not pick up nor hung up but let the phone ring, as the no contact rule says to do) her text msgs were all “why am i not picking up on her? ect…” types. Then after we even met up one full day just to be together and STRANGE enough to her it seemed like we never changed or anything at all this day! she crawled into bed, layed on me watched a movie, even had sex! So i thought at this day would be great to open up the relationship conversation again, where i logically explained that all relationships has its ups and downs and we’ll have flaws that we can work on but its a two way process (this broke her down to tears where she listened and even had a look of “she knows i was right” look to her) but then I WAS WRONG again, right after that she quickly came back to this new “phase” where she said “nope i think this is for the best”
A few more days go by, a few txt msg from her here and there, then obviously as I guess happens with the no contact rule, it comes to a point where its unbearable and we mess up. It did for me, i contacted her, obviously we argued about the break up ect…her mind being “set” but yet after that we’d still have strange contacts where she would text me to see what i was doing after clas with a possibility to hang out for awhile (did not happen)
My last contact with her was when she called me this past saturday, where we talked for 1hr, she called me because i got mugged and she “needed to know” if i was alright. The conversation obviously went to the break up, and my current state of mind i acted weak. Told her i missed her, we talked about old times, what we liked about each other. I even asked her if she missed me, and her reply was truthful that “yes sometimes but i dont really even give her time to miss me..” she said. I also asked her if she has been seeing someone new, she told me no, and if i asked her like i did she would tell me the truth, having asked that she asked me as well about any other girls, i said no there isnt one yet blah blah blah…pretty much all that was said. Learning the same shit from that conversation that women in general always think emotionaly and men logically. So ive realized the importance of the “no contact”
But now having gathered my thoughts in order, im ready to do the no contact rule for sure this time. Im on day 4 right now, im offline in all social network sites, as Ive seen her online on skype and msn (which i know she only got, because im the one who uses it) so i have a feeling that she is expecting or waiting for me to contact her, but I have not, nor have i shown any clues as to what ive been up to or doing. As of now, ive disapeard at least towards her. But at the same time she has not contacted me since saturday as well. This is probably the longest weve gone to no contact, so maybe she is just waiting to see what the hell happned to me? but its hitting me back as well, im wondering where she is and what shes up to, with almost a fingers breath away from sending a text, which ive stopped myself from doing.
Its confusing this no contact rule, because im scared shitless that by doing this she’ll easily forget about me, but then again its just been 4 days, with the knowledge that i know how close she was to me, we were also best friends and shes so used to talking to me day in and day out, from morning to when she went to bed she’d be calling or texting. So i guess i understand the saying that “distance makes the heart grow fonder” by giving her that space, she starts wondering where I am, and the anger and fights or what shes said may die down to be replaced by missing us and the great times weve always had together? Is this true? How do i get by with this no contact rule perfectly, because its god damn hard!?
thank you so much, i apoligize for the long post just needed to tell the story so far. but im in serious need of advice as i always find it hard to speak to people about my problems, but im giving this blog a shot. I know we work together, and when were together were actually great except that ive realized probably before she has so far that other couples have had bigger issues than what we do, and that its supposed to be worked on. I’d rather say we tried than not have tried at all and threw it all away. I also know myself that if i truely felt we were wrong together, I would have moved on from the start. I need to make her see things in a new light, and to give us that one more chance. I know deep down shes missing me too, but obvious shes keeping it to herself because she feels its best. Ive even stopped listening to her besft friend about how to get her back and not to let her go, because i know its something my ex may need to figure out on her own, thus the supposed outcome of “the no contact rule”.
Please help.
Thank you so much, looking forward for an awesome reply/advice.
Hi,
I don’t “do” break up analysis, why?
Because it is a waste of time, they are ALL basically the same scenario…you broke up, and you want your ex back, or so you think.
But, what you really want is to be happy again, and you have convinced yourself (without any proof) that getting your ex girlfriend back is the fastest way to do that, but is it?
I say you should focus on getting your life back, and then see what happens next.
I say you should focus all your energy on attracting that one true love that everyone looks for, and you will attract it, and then I ask you…
If that one true love turns out to be with some other beautiful woman, are you really going to care? lol
Focus on what you “really” want, to be happy, and fuck all the rest of it, is just window dressing after all.
If you want to get your life back, go read the free plan on my Blog, and follow ALL the steps.
Take control of your situation.
Leave all the broken heart drama bullshit to the fools who don’t have the guts to go find what really matters, their total and complete happiness.
Take Care,
S.W.
PS – If your one true love turns out to be your ex, then you were right after all…win-win situation…the power is yours.